Premarital relations psychology. premarital relationship

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Young family Psychological features of premarital relations

The formation of a full-fledged family is a rather complicated process, and it is unlikely that there will be a marriage that would not experience a crisis in the first years of its existence. Perhaps the most difficult moment in establishing a family life is psychological adaptation of spouses to the conditions of living together and to the individual and personal characteristics of each other, the formation of intra-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values of young spouses and other family members. Depending on how the "grinding in" of two personalities at the initial stage of marriage goes, the viability of the family largely depends. From two, often very different halves, it is necessary to create a whole, not to lose yourself and at the same time not to destroy the inner world of the other. The philosopher I. Kant argued that a married couple should form, as it were, a single moral personality. It is very difficult to achieve such a union, since this process is associated with many difficulties beyond the control of a person. The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during courtship. As psychologists note, many young people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, highlighting in the future spouse those character traits and personality traits that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life.

Therefore, the first problems of a young family begin with the problems of choosing a future spouse. According to psychologists' research, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relations between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication he could not (did not want, did not bother) to get the most complete information possible about the future life partner. Approximately two thirds of future spouses meet by chance during leisure activities, sometimes just on the street. However, they usually do not know anything about each other.

Traditional forms of premarital communication are most often also associated with leisure activities. In these situations, partners usually see each other's "front", "outdoor" face: smart clothes, neatness in appearance, neat cosmetics, etc. hide external and characterological flaws. Even if partners spend not only free time together, but also study or work together, they cannot get enough information about personality traits, role expectations, ideas and attitudes of each other necessary for living together, since these types of activities unrelated to family roles.

In addition, at the first stages of acquaintance, people generally tend, consciously or unconsciously, to try to seem better than they really are, mask their flaws and exaggerate their virtues. The situation of premarital cohabitation also does not allow one to get to know each other sufficiently, since in it the partners act in such roles that differ significantly from legal family ties. In trial marriages, the level of mutual responsibility is lower, parental functions are most often absent, household and budget can be only partially shared, etc.

The idea of the personal characteristics of a future life partner among young people often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued by communication partners. As the psychologist V. Zatsepin established, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, who can dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, as hardworking, honest, fair, intelligent, caring, able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful, dancing-loving and humorous girls are popular among young men, and the future spouse should be, first of all, honest, fair, cheerful, hardworking, etc. Thus, young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not mandatory for a communication partner. However, in reality, external data and currently significant personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday communication (“an interesting interlocutor”, “the soul of the company”, “handsome, it’s nice to appear in public together”, etc.) often become the criteria for mutual assessments. . With such a discrepancy, substitution of family values for premarital ones.

Arising in the process of leisure communication attachments and feelings create such an emotional image of a partner, when some of his realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed, the negative characteristics of the partner begin to fall into the center of attention, i.e. a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment or conflict may arise.

Sometimes there is simply not enough time to get to know a partner if the decision to marry is taken too hastily.

Quite often, the inaccuracy of mutual recognition, the idealization of each other can be due to the existence in the minds of people of evaluative stereotypes(for example, physiognomic delusions; everyday generalizations related to the profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Such stereotypes lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one's ideal or one's own positive characteristics onto a partner.

Idealizations often promotes the “halo effect” known in social psychology: a general favorable impression of a person, for example, based on his external data, leads to positive assessments of qualities that are not yet known, while shortcomings are not noticed or smoothed out. As a result of idealization, a purely positive image of a partner is created, but in marriage, the “masks” fall off very quickly, premarital ideas about each other are refuted, fundamental disagreements emerge, and either disappointment sets in, or stormy love turns into a more moderate emotional relationship.

This implies the need for self-determination when choosing the optimal ratio of specific advantages and disadvantages of the future marriage partner and the subsequent acceptance of the chosen one as he is. The applicant for the hand and heart is basically an already established personality, it is difficult to “remake” him, since the psychological “roots” go very far - into the natural foundations, into the parental family, into the entire premarital life. Therefore, you need to focus on the positive that is in a person and not compare it with your standard or other candidates for life partners: they have their own shortcomings that are usually not visible, as they are hidden under “masks”. You should also not compare your relationship with relationships in other couples: they have their own problems that are not visible to outsiders, so an illusion of complete well-being is created.

Of course, in love, unlike friendship, emotions prevail, not reason, but from the point of view of future family and marriage relations and in love, a certain amount of rationalism is necessary, the ability to analyze one's feelings and a partner's. However, it is not so easy for young people to understand feelings, to distinguish love from "thousands of fakes for it." The desire for warmth, pity, the need for a friend, the fear of loneliness, prestige considerations, pride, simply sexual desire associated with the satisfaction of a physiological need - all this is passed off or mistaken for love. Therefore, they sometimes recklessly marry, falling into the "trap of falling in love", which is far from the best effect on family relationships. Psychologists A. Dobrovich and O. Yasitskaya believe that “love traps” impede the process of mutual adaptation of young spouses and lead to quick disappointments in marriage, which does not contribute to the stabilization of the family. As such "traps" they identified the following:

"mutual acting": partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives, and in order not to deceive these expectations, they can no longer leave the accepted roles;

"community of interest": the sameness of hobbies is taken for the kinship of souls;

"wounded self-esteem": someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;

trap of "inferiority": a person who was not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;

"intimate luck": satisfaction with sexual relations obscures everything else;

"mutual availability": quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;

pity trap: marriage out of a sense of duty, a sense of the need to patronize;

trap of "decency": a long period of acquaintance, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force them to marry;

trap "benefit" or "shelter": in its purest form, these are “marriages of convenience”. Often the conclusion of a marital union is beneficial for one or both partners. Then, under the “sign” of love, mercantile and economic interests are hidden, according to some data, for women this is mainly the material security of the future husband, for men - an interest in the living space of the wife (apparently, this is due to the fact that men migrate more often, and after divorces end up in worse housing conditions).

"Traps" can lead to both love and a successful marriage, subject to overcoming selfishness, awareness of the motives for marriage and one's possible guilt.

Often the motivation for marriage is imitation and conformity (“to be like everyone else”). Such marital unions are sometimes referred to as "stereotype marriages".

A person may be pushed to marry fear of loneliness. Most often, those who do not have permanent friends, who do not have enough attention from others, decide on such a step. In addition, a person may suffer from shyness, isolation, awkwardness, self-doubt, and then it’s not the real chosen one that matters, but marriage as such, so the first friendly acquaintance of such people can end in marriage. According to E. Fromm, in these cases, the power of infatuation, the feeling that each "goes crazy" from the other, is taken as proof of the power of love, while this is proof only of their previous loneliness. Marriage, which is based on a lack of communication and recognition, is fraught with the danger of disintegration, since family life is not limited to the exchange of signs of attention, courtesies, demonstrations of positive feelings ... Human relationships in marriage turn out to be richer, more complex, more multifaceted than those that saturate the first hunger of communication and the desire to get rid of loneliness.

The group of marriages concluded because of the fear of loneliness can also include marriages, which are to some extent from "revenge": marriage with a loved one is impossible for certain reasons, and a marital union is created with another contender for a hand and heart in order, firstly, to avoid loneliness, and secondly, to prove its objective attractiveness.

Often marriages, which are now much "younger", are frivolity and are associated with satisfying the need of young people for self-affirmation by raising their social status, as well as in releasing from the care of their parents, relations with which are often tense and conflicting. Very often, such marriages turn out to be short-lived, because the young spouses, having “played enough in the family”, initially not connected by special spiritual and emotional ties, decide to leave.

The number of so-called "stimulated", "forced" marriages, provoked by the bride's premarital pregnancy. It should be borne in mind that unwanted pregnancy is not only a marital problem that affects the psychological well-being of spouses and the family as a whole, it is also an acute problem of the physical and mental health of children. For example, it was found that unwanted pregnancy indirectly, through the psychological discomfort of the expectant mother, negatively affects the neuropsychic health of the child. Even if this child is born in wedlock, he is often not emotionally accepted by one or both parents, which negatively affects his development. A child should not be guilty without guilt (after all, parents are not chosen) and suffer because adults do not know how to properly build their relationships.

premarital acquaintance- the process is more or less extended in time. It is possible to distinguish at least three stages of the positive development of this process. On the first possible marriage partners meet, and first impressions of each other are formed. Second the stage begins when the relationship enters a stable phase, that is, when both the partners themselves and those around them perceive them as a fairly stable couple. Relations at this stage are more or less intense and are characterized by high emotionality. Third the stage of development of relations in a premarital couple begins when the partners decide to marry and move into a new quality - brides and grooms.

As you know, premarital courtship, despite the long period of relations between partners, quite often ends with their separation. Usually, one of them who hoped for the conclusion of a marriage union meets the offer of another to break with bewilderment and seeks, by all means, to keep him near him, going to all sorts of tricks and cunning, up to blackmail. However, such attempts to stay together, except for even greater alienation of the partner who wants to leave, do not lead to anything good. For the process of disintegration of premarital relationships, as well as for the process of development, a certain dynamic structure is also characteristic. The rupture of premarital relations is studied by specialists most often by analogy with divorces and violations of family relations. Both in a divorced couple and in broken premarital relationships, the nature of the process itself is largely similar, mainly the content of the conflict, the causes of dissatisfaction, etc. are different. Therefore, models of the breakdown of family relations are also applicable to the process of destruction of premarital couples.

The breakup of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that continues over time and has many facets. Initially, it was suggested that this process reverses the stages of a positive development of relationships, but later scientists had to abandon it, since it was not confirmed in the studies. One of these is the research of the British psychologist S. Duck, who proposed his concept of the breakdown of relationships in a love (premarital and family) couple. He singled out four phases of destruction relationships between partners. On the first, the so-called intrapsychic phase, one or both partners come to the realization of dissatisfaction with the relationship. On the second, dyadic, phase, a discussion begins with the partner on the possible termination of the relationship. During third, social, phase, information about the breakdown of relationships is brought to the close social environment (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). Final the phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the gap and overcoming them.

At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not in all pairs the discontinuity passes through each of these phases. In addition, the duration of each stage, as well as its significance for partners, can be different. Empirical evidence suggests that they differ at least two types of relationship breakdown: their gradual extinction and a sharp break in all contacts between partners.

Acquaintance, meetings, beginners
develop relationships between people - these are the moments
people's lives, from which all types of relationships begin, including family ones. All families in their history have a stage of premarital relations. In memory, this period remains as pleasant, joyful, filled with the discovery of new qualities in the other that make a person more and more attractive. If this is not the case, then the relationship is destroyed. There may not be flowers and gifts, although they are an expression of the desire to please another. Meetings can be very simple outwardly, but without knowing and understanding the personality of the other, as a result of which sympathy, trust, openness to each other, love appear, communication becomes primitive, further relationships are problematic. From what were the premarital relations of people depends on what kind of family life will be. These relationships, as it were, in an abbreviated, collapsed form, contain all the main qualities of further relationships between people.

It is interesting that in our time there are many different kinds of recommendations and advice like “how to find a husband”, but there are practically no recommendations “how to find a good wife”. People choose for themselves what to be guided by - reason or feelings.Intelligenceanalyzes external parameters, suppresses feelings,feelings- do not allow the mind to interfere, but people do not really want its intervention. The voice of the heart is mostly incomprehensible. And in general - what isa heart? Religion and medicine speak about it, and this often does not suit a person.

One must listen to the heart, subduing one's passionate desires and taking into account what has already been reliably established by science.

In family psychology, it has been established that a number of factors that manifest themselves in the premarital period of relationships between people have a very significant impact on the future life of the family. The results of many psychological studies have shown that premarital factors that have a significant impact on the success of adaptation in the first years of marriage, on the strength of the family, the degree of probability of divorce include some features of the parental family, socio-demographic characteristics of those entering into marriage, features of the dating period and care.

Influence of the parental family

Psychological characteristics of the parental family are the conditions for the formationreference images of future spouses, creating their own models of behavior in the role of husband / wife, mother / father, mother-in-law / father-in-law, father-in-law, etc. This is an environment in which family communication skills are mastered, a style of relationships with other family members is developed.

In the studies of T.I. Dymnova obtained data on the direct dependence of married families on parental ones in terms of the main indicators of their vital activity. Young people unconsciously prefer partners from families that are identical to their parents in terms of significant parameters: stability, structure, style of interpersonal interaction. The following features of the parental family are of the greatest importance: divorce parents, which increases the likelihood of divorce for their grown children, and family conflicts(frequent, long-term, unresolved), creating an unfavorable psychological climate in the family. “... In conflict and incomplete families, children do not get an adequate idea of the model of successful relationships in the family. … In families where there are divorcees, there may be a more tolerant attitude towards divorce (“willingness to divorce”).” The lack of constructive conflict resolution skills, the style of relationships between members of conflict and dysfunctional families subsequently become significant obstacles for an adult child creating his own family to create successful relationships with his spouse and other family members.

In incomplete parental families, where for one reason or another there is no father or mother, the formed models of behavior in the role of husband / wife, father / mother also have various shortcomings and deformations that create difficulties in family relations. This is due to the fact that the model is created on the basis of fragmentary observations of the lives of other families, images of one's own imagination, knowledge from any literary sources, films, and, in recent decades, Internet sources and social networks. Unrealistic images of a future husband or wife create difficulties in choosing a life partner, difficulties in developing relationships and often lead to disappointment and breakup. A typical manifestation of this is the frustrated sounding phrases “I thought (a) ...., and you ... ..!”.

Influence of relationships with parents and other members of the parental family manifests itself in the fact that unfavorable, especially conflicting relationships with their parents can lead to the emergence of a motive for marriage in order to leave the parental family, and excessive psychological dependence on parents becomes an obstacle to independent responsible choice of a partner, mastering new social roles of husband/wife and father/mother.

Scientific research has not yet confirmed, but everyday experience shows: how a man treats his mother, so he will treat his wife. This can be explained by the action of psychological mechanisms for the formation of models and styles of family behavior in the parental family. And it is confirmed by the established fact of the formation of the image of a woman-mother-wife in accordance with what the man's mother was in his parental family.

Age and social status of future spouses

Age of the spouses is a significant factor for family and marriage relations. The early age (up to 19 years) of those entering into marriage is an unfavorable factor for creating a prosperous family, because future spouses have insufficient social experience and in most cases are psychologically immature individuals. The difference in age between spouses for more than 10 years is accompanied by a difference in the views characteristic of people of different generations, in the interests and hobbies characteristic of each age, differences in physical abilities appear over time, which becomes a condition for the destabilization of family interpersonal relations.

Differences in the level of material well-being become a risk factor for the appearance of one of the partners as a basis for a sense of superiority over the other, a motive for material interest in marrying the other partner, which will adversely affect family relationships and the duration of its existence.

Level of education, professional status and income husband, whose social role has a great influence on the stability of the family. A direct relationship has been established: the lower the level of education, professional status and income, the higher the likelihood of divorce. The superiority of the wife in terms of education, professional status and income is also unfavorable for family and marriage relations and creates its own, more destructive psychological difficulties in the relationships of family members.

Features of personality and appearance

Features of appearance and health future spouses are important for family and marriage relations not in themselves, but as individual characteristics of partners that determine the qualitative characteristics of family relationships of spouses. The presence of certain diseases, physical disabilities is not an obstacle to the emergence of feelings of love, respect and other feelings for creating a family, but at the same time, feelings of empathy, responsibility, readiness to sacrifice one's interests for the sake of another, etc. become more important. The presence of diseases and health disorders that were not reported to the partner creates the basis for mistrust, conflicts, difficulties in communication and interaction in marriage. The partner must be aware of existing or past diseases that affect the quality and length of life, incl. about the presence of mental and hereditary diseases, existing alcohol or other types of addictions, the presence of HIV infection, etc.

Pregnancy of the bride increases the likelihood of divorce. This is due to two main reasons: 1) the choice of a partner for the family becomes not free, but forced by the circumstances in which, according to the existing tradition, marriage should be concluded; 2) the first, initial stage of family life is complicated by the need to adapt not only to the new roles of husband and wife, but also to the roles of mother and father, which is psychologically very difficult for many. Studies of families with premarital pregnancies have shown that they break up twice as often as other families. At the same time, according to foreign sociologists K. Anitil and J. Trost, the main negative factor is not premarital pregnancy itself, but forced marriage in connection with this, i.e. the motive for concluding a marriage is the observance of social, moral and other norms accepted in society.

Important for creating a prosperous family are psychological characteristics of personality future spouses. The psychological immaturity of the personality of one or both spouses is a very significant risk factor for family relationships. The behavior of a psychologically immature person manifests such properties as the desire for dominance, aggressiveness, manifestation of anger, uncompromisingness, low or high self-esteem, jealousy, distrust, inability and inability to express one's feelings and understand the feelings of another (emotional isolation) and others. A. Adler believed that the manifestation of distrust in the object of love is a sign of the presence of an attitude that gives rise to constant doubts, which indicates the unpreparedness of the individual for the real problems of life. The psychological immaturity of one partner becomes the cause of various violations of family and marriage relations, but retains the likelihood of the continued existence of the family. In the case when both partners are psychologically immature, family relationships are doomed to break.

Psychological features of the premarital period

The development of family relationships is influenced by such psychological characteristics of premarital
period, as the first impression of a partner, the period of acquaintance and courtship, the presence of conflicts and ways to resolve them, the initiative of partners in establishing relationships, the period for considering a marriage proposal, the attitude of parents to marriage.

First impression is created at the first contact of people with each other in a very short time and includes the most significant characteristics of another person for the personality. It is very stable, difficult to change, and has a strong influence on the development of further relationships between people. The resulting negative impression often becomes an insurmountable obstacle to continuing the acquaintance.

short premarital dating period(less than 6 months), during which the idealization mechanism operates, preventing the knowledge of the partner's personal characteristics and, as a result, the image of the partner turns out to be little consistent with reality. As the relationship continues, people get to know each other more and more as individuals, while discovering many unpleasant qualities that are unexpected for them, disappointment naturally comes and, most often, parting.

Long term premarital courtship(more than 3-5 years), during which people get used to partnerships and friendships, creates difficulties for the transition and adaptation to a new type of relationship - family and marriage.

serious quarrels and conflicts during courtship, the betrayal of one of the partners disrupts the development of relationships necessary to create a prosperous family. These situations violate trust in relationships, lead to alienation, isolation, and are accompanied by a variety of negative feelings and emotions.

Manifestation of direct or indirect initiatives on the part of a woman (forced or provoked proposal) distorts the sex-role identification of family relationships. Despite the modern freedom of expressing feelings and sympathies, the admissibility of a woman's initiative in establishing contacts, in situations where the goal of establishing relationships is to create a family, the only promising option is the initiative of a man. Only in this case does a man have confidence in his position as a husband, father and the desired role of the head of the family.

Prolonged (more than 2 weeks) contemplating a marriage proposal testifies to some doubts about the correctness, the desirability of the decision to marry this particular man. The presence of doubts is an indicator that there are reasons that create obstacles to marriage, the successful development of family and marriage relations. To take risks is to allow the possibility of divorce in advance.

negative parental attitude(even one of the future spouses) to this marriage creates difficulties in further family and marriage relations not only with older family members - the parents of the husband or wife, but also between spouses, because the older generation is always included in family life, even being at a great distance.
In the traditions of all peoples there is a tradition of receiving parental blessing for marriage. In modern society, this tradition has been simplified and exists in the form of obtaining parental consent to marriage. But the meaning and significance of parental blessings continue to exist, and ignoring this fact leads to many insurmountable difficulties in family life.

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Literature

Andreeva T.V. Family Psychology: Textbook. 3rd ed. - St. Petersburg: Peter, 2014.

The formation of a full-fledged family is a rather complicated process. A special moment in the establishment of family life is the psychological adaptation of the spouses to the conditions of living together and to the individual and personal characteristics of each other, the formation of intra-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values of young spouses and other family members. It is necessary to create a whole out of two often very different halves, without losing oneself and at the same time not destroying the inner world of the other.

The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during courtship. Many young people take the decision to marry rashly, highlighting character traits and personality traits in their future spouse, which play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life. One of the most common reasons for the violation of relations between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication he could not (did not want, did not bother) to receive as much information as possible about the future life partner. Two-thirds of future spouses, as a rule, meet by chance, sometimes just on the street. However, most of the time they don't know anything about each other.

In these cases, partners usually see each other's "ceremonial", "exit" face (ceremonial clothes, neat appearance, neat cosmetics, etc.), which can hide external and characterological flaws. At first acquaintance people generally tend, consciously or unconsciously, to try to seem better and exaggerate their dignity. The situation of premarital cohabitation does not allow one to get to know each other sufficiently, since the partners in it act in roles that differ from legal family ties (there are no parental functions; household and budget can only be partially shared, etc.).

The idea of the personal characteristics of the future companion among young people often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued by communication partners. For example, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, who know how to dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, as hardworking, honest, fair, intelligent, caring, able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful girls who can dance and have a sense of humor are popular among young men, and the future spouse should, first of all, be honest, fair, hardworking, etc. It follows from this that young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not mandatory for a communication partner.

However, the criteria for mutual assessments often become external data and currently significant personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday life. Attachments and feelings that arise in the process of leisure communication create an emotional image of a partner, when some realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed and a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment and conflict can arise. The inaccuracy of mutual recognition, the idealization of each other can be due to the existence of evaluative stereotypes in the minds of people (physiognomic delusions, everyday generalizations related to profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Such stereotypes lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one's ideal or one's own positive characteristics onto a partner.

It is not so easy for young people to understand feelings, to distinguish love from falling in love, etc. Desire for warmth, pity, need for a friend, fear of loneliness, prestige considerations, pride, sexual desire associated with the satisfaction of physiological needs - all this is given out or taken for love , and young people recklessly marry, falling into the "trap of falling in love."

Traps can be:

“mutual acting”: partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives and, in order not to deceive their expectations, they can no longer leave the accepted roles;
“community of interests”: the sameness of hobbies is taken for the kindred of souls;
"wounded pride": someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;
the “inferiority” trap: a person who is not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;
"intimate luck": satisfaction with sexual relations obscures everything else;
“mutual ease of accessibility”: quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;
"pity": marriage out of a sense of duty, feeling the need to patronize;
"decency": a long period of acquaintance, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force marriage;
"profit" or "refuge": in its purest form, this is a marriage of convenience.

Traps can lead to love and a successful marriage, subject to overcoming selfishness, awareness of the motives for marriage and one's possible guilt.

Premarital relationships should not be viewed as a stable entity. Like any interpersonal relationship, they have their own dynamics. Their formation from the first meeting to the emergence of a stable couple is a process that undergoes a number of changes in its development, goes through various stages. One of the most important features of the dynamics of premarital relations is that as relationships develop, intergroup mechanisms for understanding a partner, which give an inaccurate, stereotyped idea of him, are replaced by interpersonal mechanisms that allow you to understand the other in the fullness of his individuality, originality and uniqueness. If in the process of this replacement a failure occurs and the interpersonal mechanisms of understanding the other in a couple do not work to the extent that is required to establish and maintain deep personal relationships, then such a couple breaks up, and with it the problem of marriage, creating a family disappears.

The collapse of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that goes through four phases of the destruction of relationships between partners. First - one or both partners come to the realization of dissatisfaction with the relationship. The second - begins a discussion with a partner about the possible termination of the relationship. Third, information about the breakdown of relationships is brought to the close social environment (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). The final phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the gap and overcoming them. At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not all pairs break through each of these phases. In addition, the duration of each phase and its significance for partners may be different. This may be their gradual extinction or a sharp break in all contacts between partners.

The formation of a full-fledged family is a rather complicated process, and it is unlikely that there will be a marriage that would not experience a crisis in the first years of its existence. Perhaps the most difficult moment in establishing family life is the psychological adaptation of the spouses to the conditions of living together and each other's individual and personal characteristics, the formation of intra-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values of young spouses and other family members. Depending on how the "grinding in" of two personalities at the initial stage of marriage goes, the viability of the family largely depends. From two, often very different halves, it is necessary to create a whole, not to lose yourself and at the same time not to destroy the inner world of the other. The philosopher I. Kant argued that a married couple should form, as it were, a single moral personality. It is very difficult to achieve such a union, since this process is associated with many difficulties beyond the control of a person.

The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during courtship. As psychologists note, many young people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, highlighting in the future spouse those character traits and personality traits that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life.

Therefore, the first problems of a young family begin with the problems of choosing a future spouse. According to psychologists' research, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relations between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication he could not (did not want, did not bother) to get the most complete information possible about the future life partner. Approximately two-thirds of future spouses meet by chance, during leisure activities, sometimes just on the street. However, they usually do not know anything about each other.

Traditional forms of premarital communication are most often also associated with leisure activities. In these situations, partners usually see each other's "front", "output" face: smart clothes, neatness in appearance, neat cosmetics, etc., which can hide external and characterological flaws. Even if partners spend not only their free time together, but also study or work together, they cannot get enough information about personality traits, role expectations, ideas and attitudes of each other necessary for living together, since these activities are not related to family activities. roles.

In addition, at the first stages of acquaintance, it is generally common for people, consciously or unconsciously, to try to seem better than they really are, to mask their shortcomings and exaggerate their merits. The situation of premarital cohabitation also does not allow one to get to know each other sufficiently, since in it the partners act in such roles that differ significantly from legal family ties. In trial marriages, the level of mutual responsibility is lower, parental functions are most often absent, household and budget may be only partially shared, etc.

The idea of the personal characteristics of a future life partner among young people often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued by communication partners. As the psychologist V. Zatsepin established, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, who can dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, as hardworking, honest, fair, intelligent, caring, able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful, dancing-loving and humorous girls are popular with young men, and the future spouse should be, first of all, honest, fair, cheerful, hardworking, etc. Thus, young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not mandatory for a communication partner. However, in reality, external data and currently significant personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday communication (“an interesting interlocutor”, “the soul of the company”, “handsome, it’s nice to appear in public together”, etc.) often become the criteria for mutual assessments. With such a discrepancy, family values are replaced by premarital ones.

Attachments and feelings arising in the process of leisure communication create such an emotional image of a partner, when some of his realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed, the negative characteristics of the partner begin to fall into the spotlight, that is, a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment or conflict may arise.

Sometimes there is simply not enough time to get to know a partner if the decision to marry is taken too hastily.

Quite often, the inaccuracy of mutual recognition, idealization of each other can be due to the existence of evaluative stereotypes in the minds of people (for example, physiognomic delusions; everyday generalizations related to profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Such stereotypes lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one's ideal or one's own positive characteristics onto a partner.

Idealization is often facilitated by the “halo effect” known in social psychology: a general favorable impression of a person, for example, based on his external data, leads to positive assessments of qualities that are still unknown, while shortcomings are not noticed or smoothed out. As a result of idealization, a purely positive image of a partner is created, but in marriage, the “masks” fall off very quickly, premarital ideas about each other are refuted, fundamental disagreements emerge, and either disappointment sets in, or stormy love turns into a more moderate emotional relationship.

However, it is not so easy for young people to understand feelings, to distinguish love from "thousands of fakes for it." The desire for warmth, pity, the need for a friend, the fear of loneliness, prestige considerations, pride, simply sexual desire associated with the satisfaction of a physiological need - all this is passed off or mistaken for love. Therefore, young people sometimes recklessly marry, falling into the "trap of falling in love", which is far from the best effect on family relationships. Psychologists A. Dobrovich and O. Yasitskaya believe that “love traps” impede the process of mutual adaptation of young spouses and lead to quick disappointments in marriage, which does not contribute to the stabilization of the family. As such "traps" they identified the following:

· "mutual acting": partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives, and in order not to deceive these expectations, they can no longer get out of the accepted roles;

· “Community of interests”: the same hobbies are taken for the kinship of souls;

· "Wounded pride": someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;

trap of "inferiority": a person who was not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;

· “intimate luck”: satisfaction with sexual relations obscures everything else;

· "mutual easy accessibility": quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;

trap of "pity": marriage out of a sense of duty, a sense of the need to patronize;

trap of "decency": a long period of dating, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force marriage;

· the trap of "benefit" or "shelter": in its purest form - this is "marriages of convenience."

Often the conclusion of a marital union is beneficial for one or both partners. Then, under the “sign” of love, mercantile and economic interests are hidden, according to some data, for women this is mainly the material security of the future husband, for men - an interest in the living space of the wife (apparently, this is due to the fact that men migrate more often, and after divorces end up in worse housing conditions).

"Traps" can lead to both love and a successful marriage, subject to overcoming selfishness, awareness of the motives for marriage and one's possible guilt.

Often the motivation for marriage is imitation and conformity (“to be like everyone else”). Such marital unions are sometimes referred to as "stereotype marriages".

The fear of loneliness can also push a person to enter into marriage. Most often, those who do not have permanent friends, who do not have enough attention from others, decide on such a step. In addition, a person may suffer from shyness, isolation, awkwardness, self-doubt, and then it’s not the real chosen one that matters, but marriage as such, so the first friendly acquaintance of such people can end in marriage. According to E. Fromm, in these cases, the power of infatuation, the feeling that each "goes crazy" from the other, is taken as proof of the power of love, while this is proof only of their previous loneliness. Marriage, which is based on a lack of communication and recognition, is fraught with the danger of disintegration, since family life is not limited to one exchange of signs of attention, courtesies, demonstrations of positive feelings. Human relationships in marriage turn out to be richer, more complex, more multifaceted than those that saturate the first hunger for communication and the desire to get rid of loneliness.

The group of marriages concluded out of fear of loneliness can also include marriages that are concluded to some extent out of “revenge”: marriage with a loved one is impossible for certain reasons, and a marital union is created with another contender for a hand and heart in order to , firstly, to avoid loneliness, and secondly, to prove their objective attractiveness.

Quite often, marriages that are now very “younger” are concluded out of frivolity and are associated with satisfying the need of young people for self-affirmation by raising their social status, as well as for liberation from the custody of parents, relations with which are often tense and conflicting. Very often, such marriages turn out to be short-lived, because young spouses, having “played enough in the family”, are initially unrelated individuals; spiritual and emotional ties, decide to separate.

The number of so-called "stimulated" people has also increased. "forced" marriages provoked by the bride's premarital pregnancy. It should be borne in mind that unwanted pregnancy is not only a marital problem that affects the psychological well-being of spouses and the family as a whole, it is also an acute problem of the physical and mental health of children. For example, it was found that unwanted pregnancy indirectly, through the psychological discomfort of the expectant mother, negatively affects the neuropsychic health of the child. Even if this child is born in wedlock, he is often not emotionally accepted by one or both parents, which negatively affects his development. A child should not be guilty without guilt (after all, parents are not chosen) and suffer because adults do not know how to properly build their relationships.

Premarital relations should not be viewed as a static entity. Like any interpersonal relationship, they have their own dynamics. Their formation from the first meeting to the emergence of a stable couple is a process that undergoes a number of changes in its development, goes through various stages. One of the most important features of the dynamics of premarital relationships is that the decline of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that continues over time and has many facets. Initially, it was suggested that this process reverses the stages of a positive development of relationships, but later scientists had to abandon it, since it was not confirmed in the studies. One of these is the research of the British psychologist S. Duck, who proposed his concept of the breakdown of relationships in a love (premarital and family) couple. He identified four phases of the destruction of relationships between partners. In the first, so-called intrapsychic phase, one or both partners come to the realization of dissatisfaction with the relationship. In the second, dyadic, phase, a discussion begins with the partner about the possible termination of the relationship. During the third, social, phase, information about the breakdown of relationships is brought to the close social environment (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). The final phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the gap and overcoming them.

At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not in all pairs the discontinuity passes through each of these phases. In addition, the duration of each stage, as well as its significance for partners, can be different. Empirical evidence suggests that there are at least two types of disintegration of relationships: their gradual fading away and a sharp break in all contacts between partners.

Conclusion.

In fact, mental states are manifested in a certain relation, the experience of an individual relative to this or that fact, phenomenon, object, personality. A manifestation of the mental state is a change in behavior, primarily verbal, a change in some physiological and mental processes.

When we talk about the psychological maturity of a person, one way or another, we mean at the same time his ability and willingness to overcome certain difficulties, without which life in general and family life in particular are unthinkable.

The ability to overcome life's difficulties is an important indicator of a person's psychological and social maturity. Growing up as a psychological process is a constant acquisition of life experience and knowledge about real human relationships.

Volitional qualities, no doubt, are decisive in a number of life situations, especially in family life. Young spouses sometimes require great self-control, endurance, patience both in relation to each other and to the child. It is known that the material resources of a young family are very modest. The only way out of this situation is the readiness and ability to limit one's own needs, to temporarily give up desires, habits, "hobbies", etc.

Speaking of marriage, we must not forget that the desire to enter into a marital union and the degree of readiness for its conclusion are far from the same concepts. According to psychologists, the moral and psychological preparedness of a person for marriage means the perception of a whole range of requirements, duties and social standards of behavior that govern family life. These include the willingness to take on a new system of responsibilities towards their marriage partner, future children and responsibility for their behavior.

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1. Period of premarital courtship

The period of premarital courtship is the most difficult psychologically and pedagogically of all stages of married life. Therefore, the problem of the role of premarital relations and their influence on the formation of a future family remains one of the most urgent ones facing society. The problem of premarital relations is currently considered the most acute, and its unresolved is a brake on further improvement in the preparation of boys and girls for family life.

A stereotype has developed in scientific and popular science literature: a loud statement about the mass character and prevalence of marriage for love, according to which young men and women identify marriage exclusively with love. However, in pedagogical and sociological studies it is noted that, despite the predominance of "love" motivation when entering into marriage, the second place behind it is steadily occupied by "common interests and views." Among those who entered into a marital union for love and community of views, the maximum number of satisfied and minimum dissatisfied.

A study of scientists showed the non-identity of young people's love marital orientations. According to T.V. Lisovsky, among the vital plans of young people in 72.9 percent of the answers came out “to meet a loved one (s)” and only 38.9 percent - “to create a family”. Thus, boys and girls consider love relationships to be valuable in themselves, but not in every love portrait they see a future life partner. This point of view was also confirmed in the studies of S.I. Hunger. He found that among the possible motives for intimate premarital relationships, “love” motivation prevails over “marriage”: for both men and women, mutual love came first, and having a good time came second. For women, orientation towards marriage is in third place, and for men, orientation towards marriage is in sixth place.

Interesting data were obtained in the analysis of the relationship between the motives for marriage and the factors that hold it together. It turned out that marriage based on love is considered the main habit of spouses to each other, spiritual community, duty and sexual consonance.

Thus, the main motive for creating a family corresponds to four types of adaptive relationships: psychological (habit), moral (duty), spiritual (community) and sexual.

From the point of view of I.S. Kohn, the nature of love feelings and attachments of a person depends on its general communicative qualities. On the one hand, love is a need and a thirst for possession; this passionate feeling corresponds to what the ancient Greeks called "eros". On the other hand, love is the need for selfless self-giving, for the dissolution of the lover, for caring for the beloved; this kind of love is called agape. The relationship between boys and girls confronts them with many moral problems, starting with the ritual of courtship and declaration of love and ending with the problems of moral self-discipline and responsibility.

The period of premarital courtship is the most difficult in psychological and pedagogical terms of all stages of married life. The complexity is determined by two reasons: premarital courtship is the least studied area of family psychology; the impatience of love characteristic of girls and boys, the hypertrophy of the role of this feeling in marriage leads to the fact that young people do not perceive premarital courtship as one of the most important moments determining the subsequent well-being of a family union.

There are three most important functions of this period, which respectively reflect the three main and chronologically relatively sequential stages of the beginning of family life: 1) function - the accumulation of joint impressions and experiences; 2) function - an ever deeper recognition of each other and parallel refinement and verification of the decision; 3) the function corresponding to the last stage of premarital acquaintance is the design of family life: a moment that is either not considered at all by future spouses, or is realized by them from a very inaccurate and usually unrealistic position.

Function - the accumulation of joint experiences and impressions is usually overestimated by young men and women, it is at this stage that an emotional peculiar potential of subsequent family life, a reserve of feelings, is created. The ability to refresh one's feelings by referring to the romantic time of premarital courtship, to return youthful passion for each other in any of the periods of marriage is one of the most important conditions for family life. This is possible if the joint experiences and impressions are large enough and joyful.

Function - recognition of each other - the basis of the correct decision. Young people must understand that the "re-education" of spouses is impossible, since this change is possible through conscious self-education. During recognition, the main thing is the implementation of a long-term experiment - active planning of conditions and circumstances in which the qualities necessary for subsequent family life are manifested: complaisance, readiness for cooperation and compromise, complementarity, tolerance, restraint, the ability to self-educate. At the stage of recognition, it is desirable to get to know each other at home - visits to each other's families that are not binding on marriage, allowing you to see your chosen one in an environment close to family, and to understand which familiar to him and perceived by him as natural features of the family way of life and everyday life will be acceptable to you in your family life. Difficulties experienced together also play a significant role in getting to know each other, which make it possible to reveal the ability of a possible chosen one to overcome obstacles in marriage.

The function and third stage of premarital courtship is the design of family life. The main thing is the definition and coordination of the way of the future family. The most progressive and most relevant to modern conditions is: an egalitarian family, assuming complete and genuine equality of husband and wife. This type of family involves: a thorough and scrupulous description of the rights and obligations of the spouses; a high culture of communication, respect for the personality of another, mutual awareness and trust in relationships.

E. Fromm emphasized: “Love is possible only when two people are connected, based on the core of their existence, i.e. when each of them perceives himself, proceeding from the core of his existence, in it is the basis of love. Love is a constant challenge. Love is unity, subject to the preservation of one's own integrity, individuality.

K.G. Jung in the article "Marriage as a psychological relationship" writes that a young person is given the opportunity of an incomplete understanding of both others and himself, so he cannot be satisfactorily aware of the motives of other people, including his own. In most cases, he acts under the influence of unconscious motives. For example, motives caused by parental influence. In this sense, for a young man, the relationship to his mother is decisive, and for a girl, to her father. First of all, this is the degree of connection with parents, which unconsciously influences the choice of a spouse, encouraging or hindering it. According to K.G. Jung, the instinctive choice is the best in terms of maintaining the family, but he notes that from a psychological point of view, such a marriage is not always happy, since there is a big difference between instincts and an individually developed personality.

3. Freud considers love to be sexual desire, he is forced to assume contradictions between love and social cohesion. In his opinion, love is essentially egocentric and antisocial, and solidarity and brotherly love are not primary feelings rooted in human nature, but abstract goals, inhibited sexual desires. In his opinion, the instincts of every person make everyone strive for the preemptive right in sexual relations and cause enmity between people. The whole Freudian theory of sex is built on the anthropological premise, according to which rivalry and mutual enmity are inherent in human nature.

K. Horney believed that the frustration of the need for love makes this need not saturated, and the exactingness and jealousy arising from insatiability make it less and less likely that a person will find a friend. Part of the "Neurotic Personality" K. Horney devoted to the analysis of the neurotic need for love, she dwells on the desire for power, prestige and possession, which develop when a person despairs of achieving love.

Robert Sternberg's three-component theory of love demonstrates how difficult it is to achieve success in close relationships, defined as love. Stenberg believes that love has three components. The first is intimacy, the feeling of intimacy that manifests itself in love relationships; passion; decision (commitment). The connection of the “decision, obligation” component with the other two components of love can have a different character. To show possible combinations. Sternberg developed a system of love relationships: a taxonomy of types of love based on Sternberg's three component theory.

The psychological task of the premarital period, which every young person solves, is the need to actually separate himself from the parental family and at the same time continue to remain connected with it. In the psychology of family relations, it is customary to single out premarital and premarital periods. The features of the premarital period include the entire life scenario of a person from birth to marriage, the premarital period includes interaction with a marriage partner before marriage. In the premarital period, premarital acquaintance and premarital courtship are distinguished, premarital acquaintance takes place in an environment remote from reality: in places of leisure, recreation. Most of these situations are accompanied by a "halo effect". In such cases, there is a communication of "masks". Acquaintance before marriage differs not only in character, but also in duration. Researchers have identified how the time of premarital acquaintance affects the preservation of marital relationships.

Functions of the premarital period: accumulation of joint experiences and impressions; recognition of each other, clarification and verification of the decision.

Such a check is informative if it affects domestic situations, situations of experiencing joint difficulties and situations of joining efforts. We are talking about premarital "experimentation", during which the functional and role compliance of partners is checked.

Historically, the place for such an experiment in premarital relations has been clearly assigned, it is known as an engagement. At present, premarital cohabitation, which is not informative enough, has come to his place. Young people unconsciously test their sexual scripts. However, sexual compatibility is not tested, but formed.

Psychological conditions for optimizing the premarital period include: reflection of motives, relationships and feelings, both one's own and a partner's; replacing the emotional image of the chosen one with a realistic one; the implementation of premarital information exchange, which involves finding out the details of the biography and informing about personal, past life, health status, fertility, value orientations and life plans, ideas about marriage and role expectations. During the informational premarital period, detailed psychological portraits of young people are formed, the characteristics of parental families (composition, structure, nature of the relationship between parents, child-parent family). The nature of premarital relations is transferred to family life.