"Civil" marriage: how to understand that a man is not going to marry you. A man does not want to get married: excuses from the wedding Civil husband does not want to get married psychologist's advice

Undergrowth - the hero of the work of Fonvizin declared to his parents:

"I don't want to study - I want to get married."

Of course, not from the love of abundance for family life, but from the unwillingness to comprehend science. Modern men are likely to prefer to suffer and study for a long time than rush to the registry office.

Psychologists state the problem of changing the form of the family, today many young couples live in the so-called "civil marriage". And interestingly, there is a confusion in concepts, because it is a legal marriage, legally formalized, that is called civil because it's installed civil law. And what happens everywhere, when young people live without a wedding, is more like cohabitation, and although the expression sounds somewhat rude, this is exactly how this form of relationship is interpreted in jurisprudence.

The main reasons for "civil marriages"

Let's name the main reasons for the so-called "civil marriages" or simply find out why men do not want to get married.

1. First of all, it is the absence social guarantees for young people from the state. Today, the concepts of student weddings, which were 15-20 years ago, have practically disappeared. After the university, young people are concerned about finding a job for themselves, then build a career, solve at least somehow the housing problem.
2. The notorious fear of taking responsibility for another person in our so difficult and unstable time.
3. Absence material base: there is no well-paid job, apartment, car, and sometimes money for this very wedding. That's when everything will be - you can start a family.
4. Fear lose freedom and change something in your already established life. So far, everything suits everyone - the couple are together, in case of problems, they parted without difficulty. But if there is a stamp in the passport, everything is not so simple anymore and there may be aggravated consequences in a divorce.
5. The very attitude to the wedding of a girl and a young man is completely different. If for her the wedding is the embodiment fabulous childhood dream: a white dress, a veil, a carriage and she is dazzlingly beautiful, then for him it is just a transition from one period of life to another, as they say, life “before” and “after”. The man argues: “Yes, what a wedding, what’s the difference and what can change stamp in the passport?»
6. Negative divorce experience that happen to others shortly after marriage. It would seem that just yesterday, passionately loving people, getting along well with each other, suddenly changed at once. Discord began, the behavior of both one side and the other changed. Yesterday's bride, feeling that now she is a wife and she no longer needs to please her chosen one, begins to show her character. Newlyweds, unprepared for family life, simply give in to the daily duties of life.
7. Very often it is lack of love. Sometimes, with a protracted unformed relationship, falling in love passes, and true love is in no hurry to take its place. There is a loss of freshness, sharpness of feelings, relationships become sluggish, gray without a golden core. Romantic relationships are being replaced simply by saying "everyday life": the first claims and disappointments begin. And this situation does not cause a desire for marriage, rather, on the contrary, the potential groom doubts whether it is worth connecting his life with this woman at all.
8. It is not uncommon for a woman creates prerequisites for long-term civil marriages, she begins to live together with a man, without even trying set some conditions. A man already has everything he wants, why create additional problems for yourself with marriage. Everything is easy and simple.
9. It so happens that scary about the wedding process, its organizational moment, preparation, turmoil, responsibility, nervousness and experiences of this period. But in addition to this, there is also the joy of the holiday, the beauty of the moment, emotions and a feeling of unprecedented happiness to see it in the eyes of your bride.
10. And a no less common reason is that it simply doesn’t occur to a potential groom that it’s time to get married, that the girl has been waiting for a cherished marriage proposal for a long time. And therefore, the girl should not be afraid to hint or say directly: "Let's get married!".

As you can see, there are enough reasons not to rush to the registry office. And it's one thing if such a situation suits both parties, and another if a woman waits - she doesn't wait for the cherished offer, exhausting herself with thoughts, sometimes getting annoyed by this, becoming intolerant, angry and thereby worsening relations without even knowing about it.

And although, often, a woman does not demonstrate her long-ripened desire to be a wife, believe me, everyone dreams of being proposed to her, unless, of course, love lives between them.

How to encourage a man to propose to a girl

What to do if the beloved man does not propose in any way and does not want to marry?

• If a girl is already ready for family life and is confident in her feelings, you should not wonder why she is not invited to the registry office. You just need to ask your loved one about it.
• If you can’t directly ask a question yourself, you can lean on this with your close friends or relatives, let them casually ask your fiancé’s opinion about your joint future. But these should be people you trust. Otherwise, there can only be harm from such participation.
• If there are reasons, you can try to solve them together or wait for a while. But you can wait all your life ... After all, there are quite frequent cases that people get used to this form of relationship, give birth to illegitimate children, and at the same time she considers herself married, and he considers himself a free person.
• In no case should you strive to please a potential groom to go to all sorts of tricks, change your style of behavior, be obsequious and fulfill all his whims. As noted, this does not give results, because the true reason for not wanting to marry is not unknown to you.

Almost always, any woman wants to be a legal wife, and dreams of a cherished ring on her finger. Therefore, a man should not be dishonest with her, unless, of course, she deserves to be called a wife. And if she is unworthy of a hand and heart, you should not continue the relationship, you need to find the courage and strength to put an end to them.

In any case, it is important to be able to find out the reason for what is happening, to figure it out for yourself. Sometimes it is not so easy, the opinion of a specialist is important. Perhaps the books of Leslie Garner, Brian Luke Seaward will help you Crises are life lessons. Life in harmony (set of 2 books)» .

P.S. Psychologists and employees of registry offices state the fact growth in the first months of 2015 in the number of marriages and weddings despite the ongoing economic crisis. The reason lies in the fact that it is easier to optimize everyday expenses and solve the most difficult problems together.

It's always easier to live together!

And I want you to be told: "Let's get married" 🙂 .

Leave your questions, opinions, tell us about your "civil marriage" relationship How did this article help you?

Probably, many of us are familiar with couples who have been living in a civil marriage for a long time and are in no hurry to formalize the relationship. And, of course, more often than not, the strong side is the opponent of officialdom, but why doesn’t a man marry you? And you, meanwhile, continue to choose stylish shirts for him, feed him to satiety and please him in everything. How right is she doing, is there any point in being close to a man who has not deigned to take one step, thanks to which a woman will feel confident in the future and stability of the situation. Let's try to find out together.

Why isn't he getting married?

We all understand that any delay in a relationship does not arise from scratch. Life under one warm roof, spending time together, common interests and affairs - this is, so to speak, marriage. But there is one difference - not official, but civil. Perhaps he is hiding something, and there are very good reasons why he is in no hurry to the registry office. So, consider the most frequent according to psychologists.

married husband

When you start a conversation about legitimizing the status, you hear in response: Let's wait until the children grow up, She is sick now, I can't leave her alone, The company is registered on Her, etc. etc. Believe me, this is a very banal situation. Men are by no means enterprising and explain the delay in divorce with familiar phrases. And if you continue to wait that he will soon rush on a trotter and open the treasured box with a ring, you will hear those very words that you have been dreaming about all the time you have lived together - wake up. He will continue to take advantage of the position, swallow amazing cutlets and praise your talents.

And imagine how convenient it is. Indeed, periodically returning to his “unloved” wife, he most likely feels the same. Everyone is waiting for him, laying tables, making gifts. And both ladies (sometimes there are more of them) are united in their desire to keep the “best” man in the world.

Polygamist

These are easy to identify. They often go on business trips, they can periodically go hunting, fishing with friends, and stay at work until the morning. The latter, by the way, takes place very often. In such a situation, a man hides his place of employment, and under no circumstances will he allow you to get into his office. Upon returning from another business trip, he will definitely present a gift - underwear, sweets, flowers, jewelry. After all, it is necessary to beg for "forgiveness" and not give reason for doubt that you are the one and only.

spare wife

Most men are ambitious by nature. They have a kind of spare list, and it will be replenished until he meets the right one. And this can go on for a very long time. Types of this kind are always particularly selective. She doesn't cook like that, has a big nose, is unkempt, sloppy, too pushy, etc. A number of claims can be listed for hours. And as soon as he meets a girl with ideal indicators, he will immediately rush to her and forget about the one that has been nearby for many years.

On the same rake

There is an axiom - the person we choose for life is our mirror. That is, our chosen ones are intended for us to realize our character and correctly decide on the choice for life. But due to their inexperience or naivety, the majority does not want to understand this. And, from time to time, they choose the same type, with which they are simply not “on the way”. Perhaps at first everything will be fine, but after the candy-bouquet period, life will come. And against the backdrop of ordinary days, relationships can end at any moment and for any reason. Therefore, before entering into a relationship, carefully look at your man, observe his behavior and draw conclusions.

Lover for life

Such a type is not capable of not only building a family, but also maintaining a relationship with one girl for at least some time. True, his flights do not mean that he does not have children. Moreover, such don Juans can have several children, and from different mothers. A loving man, as a rule, is nice to everyone, he does not like to sort things out. And if possible, he tries to help everyone, participates in the life of his bloodlines.

He just has such a manner - to love everyone. It can be said that he was stuck in adolescence, when hormones were walking, and wisdom and responsibility had not yet come, and is unlikely to come.

No funds yet

A common reason for a man who puts off getting married is a lack of money. He wants to arrange everything grandiosely, because this event is only once in a lifetime, and his beloved deserves an amazing celebration, etc. Also, the reason may be disorder in everyday life, an imaginary desire to increase and improve living conditions.

This can last for a very long time, because you need to earn a lot, and this is not easy. Remember - the years go by, and, unfortunately, time does not play in the favor of a woman.

non-healing wound

It so happened that your chosen one suffered a tragic love story. Someone inflicted a wound on him, deceiving sincere feelings. Perhaps it was a betrayal, and the beloved cheated on the man with another person. Or at the moment when his business began to fade away, she decided not to waste time on a loser, and left in search of a new rich gentleman. And when he meets you, he simply licks his wounds and tries to get back on his feet.

Look, no matter how it turns out that standing on his feet, he will again feel the strength in himself and forget about his savior. Believe me, it happens too. If you still have a decent person in front of you, then it will take him a long time to believe in the sincerity of your feelings and take the first important step.

Lover for life

There is a special type of women - eternal lovers, whom no one marries under any pretext. It is worth noting that these representatives more often continue the "karma" of their dynasty. In her family there will definitely be an aunt, grandmother or the same mother who had connections on the side, gave birth from lovers and could not get married. And such a position does not bother the girl at all, on the contrary, it fits into the norm and the habit of being “alone” is passed on from generation to generation.

By nature, a girl of this type is a little girl in life. She behaves infantile, quickly offended and constantly demands gifts. In addition to a young body and sex, she is not able to give her lover anything.

And he's not an idol, but a living person. He also wants to talk, lead a life, get wise advice. And if this is not the case, then cohabitation with a “doll”, albeit a passionate one, is boring.

Fear of communicating with mother-in-law

He already has a domineering and especially commanding mother. Pay attention, perhaps your parent also likes to keep everything under control and tries to crush your chosen one with her authority. Every now and then she demands to be taken to the market, to the dacha, to meet her girlfriend from the North, to move the furniture, to fix the car, to make repairs, etc. Stop! Why on earth does she interfere with her family at all - you must exist separately. Immediately move to another apartment, even a rented one. Do not ignore your sociable dad. If every now and then he tries to draw his beloved son-in-law into fishing, carpentry and trying fresh moonshine, infused according to a special method, stop these attempts. Not everyone will like such importunity.

Interferes with the opinion of friends

Your loved one has recently been partying in the company of his friends, his free time was occupied by the fan movement for his favorite team, hunting, fishing and other hobbies. You weren't around then, and he belonged entirely to his buddies. And then a passion appeared, which pulled the guy out of the company and deprived that well-coordinated team of like-minded people that made up the backbone.

The reason may also be different - perhaps they are jealous of him, and most likely this is so. Clean, well-groomed, does not ruin his health with alcohol, low-alcohol drinks, he is already trying to quit smoking. He goes to work on time, and spends the weekend with his family or alone with his beloved. He is always expected at a beautifully laid table, and the dishes are hearty, tasty and fresh. Which of his "abandoned" friends would not want the same thing. Here they are furious, sorry for the bad manners.

But be careful, the whole idyll described above can end suddenly if the company achieves its goal and makes efforts to return the "prodigal" friend. In any case, make sure that none of the "saboteurs" can get too close to him.

Don't be intrusive

Each of us should have our own space. And if you are nearby for seven days and 24 hours a day, then not only an outsider, but also the most beloved woman can get bored. The latter, moreover, sets only its own rules, trying to remake it under its own template in a short time. you can also safely call it a desire to quickly introduce him to your mom and dad, to introduce him into your circle of friends.

Wait, stop! What are you doing? A person has lived for himself for a long time, he has his friends, relatives, he also has his own interests and hobbies. Why break "through" the knee all that has already settled down. Believe me, a smart, but rather a wise woman will never do this. You will continue in the same vein - it will not take even a couple of months, as you will find yourself with a “broken trough”.

Your favorite is an introvert

Be careful, perhaps there is a person next to you who has mental problems. An introvert is still all right, but if he is a sociopath who is annoyed by your presence. If a man is outraged for any reason, explodes when he finds your toothbrush in his glass, does not want to let you try his ice cream, refuses to turn his cheek for a kiss - run. A little more, he will begin to resent your turning in bed and irreparable things may happen.

Insufferable Pure

It is hard to believe it, but among men there are also such pure men, from whose accuracy you simply want to escape. Yes - this is a rarity, but we know that it is with our "Jewish" happiness that such a type will come across to us. Aesthetes, supporters of perfectionism, cannot feel calm if socks are folded in the wrong color in the locker, and a thin strip with a dent appears on the shirt. And if he discovers that somewhere in the bathroom a jar of cream was placed in the wrong row, expect at least a contemptuous look.

But most likely, the situation will be “crowned” with a strong word and your vain movements towards an ideal order. Such a pedant will not even think about formalizing a relationship until he meets the same one, which is very difficult. So it will degrade in its cleanliness, and drink “blood” from you until you yourself escape from a perfectly clean space.

The most banal dislike

No need to beat around the bush. Be brave and honest - he doesn't love you. Believe me, if that same feeling exists in a person, then he cannot imagine his life without your presence. It doesn't matter to him whether you're a slob or a neat man, annoying or not. He is willing to come to terms with your father's craving for alcohol and listen carefully to stupid jokes. He will never refuse his mother's cabbage rolls and take her to the country. He will never remember his friends, he will forget about his mother's instructions. The main thing is that you are there and give him passion, the joy of communicating with you.

And now consider from the outside such a phenomenon as a civil marriage. Is it possible to find positive moments in it for you and is it worth holding on to such a relationship?

Civil marriage: pros and cons

Any couple living together goes through certain stages of relationships and everything goes to one thing - marriage registration. And if at least one stage is missed, then cohabitation may collapse. Disappointment will come, and constant doubts will “grind” the basis of trust. In the end, one of the couple, and maybe both parties will think that this is not the person who was expected all his life. Therefore, it is important to live side by side for some time, learn habits, get used to character traits, actions. And if the process of "grinding" is completed without "losses", you can go down the aisle. But in the modern world, many couples are already in no hurry to formalize relationships. What do psychologists think about this?

Specialists do not see anything wrong with such families. Time goes by and people change. Gone are the dogmas that you can not have close contact and give birth to children from a person with whom you are not officially married. Now there is complete freedom of relations and each of us chooses a convenient form for ourselves. But what should couples do, in which one half is for a free marriage, and the other is for officialdom. Of course, women are more likely to complain about this state of affairs.

Benefits of an open relationship

1. Living together without registration allows people to get to know each other better and take a closer look at how stable their future life will be. After all, ideal people do not exist. A happy future should be based on mutual understanding, compliance and respect for each other.
2. Thanks to civil cohabitation, a woman will be able to understand in advance whether she can rely on this man. After all, without a stamp in the passport, he has complete freedom of action. See how he will take advantage of such a situation, whether he will exclaim on every occasion that you are “nobody” to him and he is an absolutely free person.
3. When living under the same roof, you can check how similar or different the attitudes towards financial spending are. Will it be possible with such a partner to make plans for the future and save up for something significant. Nobody says that everything should be based on money. They are just an integral part of our lives. Do not forget that the bulk of family quarrels arise precisely on the basis of financial shortages.
4. In a civil marriage, many try not to acquire any significant property. Because the more agile and cunning side can "take matters into their own hands." Therefore, the issue is resolved simply - there is no property, there are no problems when parting. Sounds cynical, but honest.
5. Nobody can predict the future. What if someone appears on the horizon who is really ready to make happy and live side by side all his life. And your beloved does not dare to take an important step and is playing for time. In addition, with him there is no stability and confidence in the future. The same thing can happen to him. The passion passed, met the one and only. So the process of parting will be fast. No courts, trials. I took my suitcase and left.
6. No matter how strange it may sound, but civil relations are able to keep both halves in good shape for a long time. After all, it is not a secret for them that at any moment someone can stop living together and go home. To get around this moment, everyone tries to maintain passion, periodically recalls romanticism, flowers, delicious food. Ladies do not miss the opportunity to appear before their loved ones in the best light - beautiful, well-groomed, slender. After all, it is so important that he, looking at you, feel pleasure and desire intimacy. Otherwise, at any moment a predator will appear, ready to take the man away, taking the most decisive steps.

Cons of civil cohabitation

Consider the negative aspects of cohabitation of an unregistered couple. Let's say right away, there are also a lot of them and they can significantly spoil the mood.

1. Lack of legal support. Youth, passion, love - all this by no means fits into the framework of a well-thought-out relationship. The main thing that drives lovers is the desire to give their life to the second half without a trace and not think about anything, only about it. And no one thinks about what will happen tomorrow. And life, as experienced people understand, is an unpredictable thing and can present surprises at any moment. And marriage without official registration is absolutely not protected by our legislation.
2. Acquired property. After all, many such couples manage to buy an apartment, a summer house, furniture, a car, and most of them work on property jointly. And while everything is fine, there are no conflicts, there are no questions about who owns all this. But there is a problem - when parting, the party that cannot prove its participation and is left with nothing. Most often these are women. After all, the birth of children, caring for them falls to her share. Thus, she loses years of work, although she works no less, and maybe more than her husband. Don't forget about household chores as well. Even if she is not employed anywhere and there are no children, taking care of the house, meeting her husband with ready-made food, washing, cleaning and caring for him is also work. Her rights will be protected by the state only from the moment of signing the marriage certificate. Therefore, it is worth considering whether it makes sense to make a lot if you are not sure about this person. With a legal marriage, whether the husband wants it or not, all acquired property will be divided into two.
   

   Another aspect related to property. Anything can happen in life, and, unfortunately, we are not all protected from tragedies. It may happen that the spouse dies (God forbid), and everything that was made together may become the subject of claims from his relatives. Having nothing to do with your things, they will be ready to appropriate everything. And they will prove in court that you did not work long enough to be able to purchase something.

3. Joint children. This is where serious difficulties can arise. It's one thing to share property, it's another to injure your loved ones. In a civil marriage, unfortunately, children are often an unwanted surprise. If in officialdom the father, like a little child, rejoices that he will soon have an heir or a beautiful daughter, then the cohabitant is more likely to be indignant. Often such news leads to a break in relations. But even if the baby is desired, then civil relations are not stable. Let's imagine that a man, whom nothing holds back, has met another and wants to go to her. In addition to the fact that the spouse suffers, the psychological trauma of the child also occurs. Children are very difficult to experience the separation of their parents. It doesn't matter to them whether they are registered or not. And the stamp in the passport at least somehow keeps adults from rash acts.

We have presented for review the opinion of experts on why a man does not make a formal proposal and seeks to be, as long as possible, in a civil relationship. If this state of affairs suits a woman, it's okay. You can live like this. But in order to avoid unforeseen situations in the future, you need to responsibly approach the issue and “put a straw”. Either way, trust but verify. Therefore, contact an experienced lawyer and take preventive measures.

The eternal question is on the agenda - the cohabitant does not want to get married, so what to do with him? And it seems that there are enough articles on the blog, where everything is laid out point by point, how to motivate a man to get married, but for some reason, letters on this topic are not decreasing, rather the opposite. How so?

In order not to repeat the same thing, in this article I will share with you one interesting life hack that will allow you to find out why your man does not want to get married and how to quickly eliminate these reasons. Almost anyone can do it, although the life hack itself is not universal. And at the end of the article I will give signs of a relationship in which, in my counseling experience, you can get an offer from him within a few weeks! Therefore, read the article to the end.

Want to ask your question? Post it here, and the answer to it can also be posted.

And now the letter itself.

Good afternoon! I saw your article about cohabitation and decided to write.

My martyr and I have been living together for a year. For both of us, this is a serious second relationship, he is 24, I am 25, the first time I was officially married for 5 years, I have a son from this marriage. He had a girlfriend before me, with whom he also cohabited, and a year later they broke up.

Now, when it comes to marriage, he says that until he moves his mother (she lives in another city), there can be no question of any wedding. I understand everything, but it is very difficult for me to wait and some bad aftertaste remains inside after our conversations.

Although everything in life is just gorgeous. He helps both mentally and physically. And accepts my job, I work as a male massage therapist. I don’t know what to do, tell me, I’m very exhausted mentally.

I look forward to your reply, thank you in advance, I really hope that you will answer.
With thanks.

Answer:

I take it you read my article. There's a long list of excuses, but you gave me one more. He won't marry until he moves his mother. Well, well))) I guarantee that after mom, all the other excuses on the list will begin: no money, a stamp means nothing, not ready, we first need to live properly, look at each other for about fifty years, give birth to children, buy a summer house, die one day, and then it will be possible to think about getting married. Apparently posthumously.

After these conversations with him, there is a bad taste from the fact that you lose your self-respect with each such conversation. You are told every time that a wedding with you is out of the question. You can use your services as a wife, but you can't get married. This resentment accumulates and gradually poisons your relationship, sooner or later it will grow to such a size that you will hate him and it will be difficult to fix something. And it seems that you should pull yourself together, use my detailed recommendations from which you, apparently, have already read, and resolve this issue once and for all, but no ... As always, something interferes.

As a rule, the fear of losing this man and generally remaining alone forever, forever, hinders most of all. Despite the fact that it even sounds absurd, the fear is quite real, so I will definitely touch on this topic in one of the articles. Subscribe to newsletter on VKontakte, or in Telegram, or in order not to miss the article and completely get rid of this fear.

I will share a life hack that will allow you to quickly and surely marry a man even without a lot of work on relationships and even without contacting me.

Life hack to find out why he doesn't want to get married

Ask him what kind of woman should be, whom he would immediately marry without hesitation.
Is it logical? Very. Why doesn't almost anyone do this?

How best to do this:

Choose a moment when he is full, relaxed, sexually satisfied and not in a hurry. It is absolutely impossible to start such conversations during a quarrel or when he is not up to it!

Tell him that you would like to get to know him better, and if you can ask him one question about him.

Ask approximately in such a hypothetical vein: “Tell me, what should be that beautiful woman whom you would marry without hesitation? How do you see the ideal wife?

Listen carefully without interrupting. In no case do not get annoyed if the image of his ideal is your opposite! He showed sincerity, is that what you need? Or was he supposed to lie and confuse your cards?

Remember everything he said and continue the conversation with him on other topics.

At your leisure, consider his answer. Do you need it? Do you want to become one? Will it break your personality? And if you want, and it's easy for you to do it, then just take it and do it.

Yes, it doesn't always work. Not every man represents his ideal. Not everyone will share their real thoughts because they don't have enough trust in you. Not all men are able to talk about relationships, many have a block on this. And even if everything works out and you change, it’s still not a fact that he will marry.

From my counseling experience, I have drawn some relationship signs that indicate that a man will definitely marry a woman within a few weeks if she behaves correctly. Yes, exactly within 4-8 weeks! Longer only in very advanced rare cases. This is my experience, you can believe, or you can sign up for a consultation with me and get recommendations for your particular case.

It is not necessary to have all the signs at once, sometimes even one of them is enough. Moreover, in coaching, we pump almost all of this. But if initially there is not a single one, it’s a matter of trumpet, and I won’t even take such a woman into coaching, because I don’t want to waste our time in vain.
What are these signs?

Signs of a relationship in which a man is READY to marry within a month or two

a woman is not too sad about self-respect, at least some core of self-respect is present;

a man loves her and talks about it, or at least he once loved and talked about it;

a woman has at least some of her favorite and interesting things that she can do and not pull all the happiness of life from a man;

a man at least somehow invests in relationships with money, time, care;

the couple has some common hobbies (if not, then at least it should be possible to find).

If your couple has everything from this list, then the only problem is that you underestimate yourself and the ring is practically guaranteed to you within a couple of weeks (with the right behavior!) If something is missing, then it is very advisable to pump it first, and then already direct the feet towards the registry office. Otherwise, a happy strong family will not work anyway.

For those who want to take their relationship with a man to a new level of love and happiness, and finally marry him on HIS initiative, my husband and I have created a free Happy Brides Quest. We are holding it on Vkontakte. I developed the quest classes based on my experience of consulting and bringing women to the result since 2014. Everything is included only the simplest and most effective, follow the link and sign up for free!

And here is an interview with one of the girls I helped get married in coaching. Her results are impressive and inspiring! And she generously shares her secrets;)

“What if a man does not want to marry? There are no good reasons for this, they meet, everything suits both parties, but they are not in a hurry with the proposal, laugh it off and keep silent”- our beautiful Oksana Chistyakova asks me a question, the administrator of our Vkontakte group and part-time beautiful girl.

Let's take a look at the situation when a man and a woman live together. And they seem to live well. Love each other. They don't quarrel too much. All they have in sex is normal.

But when the question of registering a marriage comes up, the man begins to laugh it off, postpone the decision of the issue for an indefinite time, is silent or pretends not to hear. Or even starts pushing the woman through her position “Why do you need to register a marriage, we already live well. I love you, but the seal in the passport is outdated and will not change anything..

Why is this happening?

What to do in this situation?

First, let's talk about why this happens? Why does a man not want to marry a girl? In principle, I have already written about this more than once, for example in an article, but recently for consultation and just in the comments under articles on the site or on my blog, this question is being asked more and more often, so let's talk about this in more detail.

I repeat banal things, but the average man does not at all aspire so strongly to a registered marriage. I hope this is not news to you.

Why does a man need marriage? Marriage is a certain obligation and restriction of freedom in the choice of women. (even if a man does not cheat on a girl. This does not fundamentally change anything)

Official marriage is a woman's right to joint property.

Marriage is potentially the birth of children. And in case of marriage failure, respectively, the need to support them.

Marriage is a woman's much greater rights in communicating with her relatives, friends, etc.

Therefore, I repeat that the average man does not at all strive to marry.

On the other hand, almost all men by the age of 50 have been (or are) in a registered marriage at least once.

Why are they still getting married?

The first reason is that a man loves a woman and wants to continue to communicate with her and live all his life together.

But this, of course, is not enough.

The second reason why a man still marries is that he is afraid of losing this woman if he does not make a marriage proposal.

The third reason is that a man thinks that he will not find a better woman in the event of a breakup.

The fourth reason is that there are some minimum conditions for creating a family.. This is not a mandatory feature. But, nevertheless, usually a man, before getting married, should:

- reach the approximate ideal age for getting married. (25-38 years old approximately)

- you must have a place to start a family (a separate apartment, a separate room with your parents, income to rent an apartment or something similar)

- You and him should be about the same social level.

- a man does not have one or two divorces behind him, where there are 2-3 children whom he supports.

Many girls think that if there is love, then you can get married. In fact, such simple things as those listed above can greatly slow down a man on his way to marriage. If there is love, for example, but nowhere and nothing to live on, then you can meet, love each other, but why get married?

So, let's go back to why a man does not marry for a long time.

If there is love between a man and a woman and everything is fine, then this is only one, obviously insufficient reason for marriage.

One of the main reasons that a man decides to register a marriage is that, in his opinion, otherwise, he will lose a woman. And the second is that in the event of a loss, he will not easily find a woman approximately the same or better. (He may be VERY deeply mistaken about his value to women, but this is not important in this case)

What to do with male sabotage of marriage registration? What to do when a man does not want to marry?

First, don't pull..

The ideal time to resolve the issue of registering a marriage is approximately 6 months to one year after the start of meetings with a man.

Previously, there is usually no sense. (This rarely happens)

But the main thing is not to delay!

Dear ladies, do not drag out the issue of marriage. I know a lot of examples when a woman and a man live together for 4-5 years, and then part.

I think it's clear why you shouldn't pull, but I'll remind you.

First. After a year of relationship, the probability of marriage begins to gradually fall. After all, gradually a man and a woman get bored with each other, some claims against each other accumulate, etc. And by the age of 4-5, the probability of registering a marriage does not disappear at all, but is already close to zero.

Second. Loss of time.

After all, let's say the girl did not succeed with a man. He leaves her when she issues an ultimatum to register the relationship. And it's one thing if this happens after a year of relationship. And quite another, if through 5 years. In 4-5 years, a girl could easily meet a worthy man and get married.

And so it turns out that time passes, and the girl loses this time.

Therefore, never delay with this question. Set yourself an approximate deadline for resolving the issue of marriage - this is somewhere from six months to 1.5 years. (Not a marriage registration, but a marriage proposal). And 1.5 years is really the maximum.

Then it gets worse and worse. The girl comes to terms with her position. A man, on the contrary, gets used to the fact that it is quite possible to live without registering a marriage.

The second is that a conversation with a man should be considered with some probability that he will refuse..

If you think that I or someone else will tell you some magic words, saying which a man will suddenly realize that he was wrong and immediately offer you a hand and heart, then I will tell you the opposite.

There are no such words. Moreover, it is usually impossible to convince a man with logic.

Talking about marriage is just an opportunity to get some certainty in a relationship with a man.

Of course, a man can refuse. I understand that this is not very pleasant. But you need to understand that this is a very likely development of events.

The worst option is when a man refuses in essence, but not directly on the forehead, but refuses with various excuses.

For example:

- well, when the apartment is, then you can play a wedding.- At the same time, the purchase of an apartment is not planned in the coming months, but only theoretically there are some plans for it. Practically nothing is being done.

- I love you so much. Why all these formalities. Basically, it's a denial.

After such a refusal, a girl sometimes thinks that a man misunderstands the importance of registering a marriage for her and tries to convince a man. In this case, a lot of time and emotions are lost.

- A wedding is very expensive. Why throw money away when we need to buy a lot.(apartment, car, etc.) - This is also a refusal in essence. Don't think it's something else.

In other words, don't close your eyes to the truth. Whatever a man says, except “let's get married soon”, without any conditions in the form of buying something or something else (which is not obviously realized in the very near future) - everything else is a refusal.

Third - do not try hard to convince a man.

If a man refused, it means that he refused. In this situation, in fact, one normal option is to break up with a man and look for another. (Exceptions are when a woman is over 40 somewhere, has children and marriage is really secondary)

The second option is to continue to live with a man, in fact, on his terms. Only then is it stupid to continue trying to convince him that he misunderstood something, that he does not understand your needs, what is this, and the fifth, and tenth.

For example, a man makes excuses:

- A wedding is a lot of money.- And the girl is trying to convince him that it will be possible to just sit modestly with relatives and go to the registry office.

- You need to buy an apartment first.- And a woman is trying, for example, to convince him that many families without an apartment start their lives and then somehow solve this problem.

- Wedding and marriage registration is a formality, a piece of paper. - And the woman is trying to convince the man that this is not a piece of paper and a formality for her.

Usually it's all useless.

Because the man, in fact, is not as stupid in this matter as he sometimes pretends to be. He perfectly understands that he does not want to register a marriage. He understands perfectly well that all his words and excuses that delay the registration of marriage are a refusal. And it is clear that he will not let himself be persuaded. Because these are all excuses.

The reason is that he does not want to marry this particular woman. Or at least thinks that she will not get away from him, even if he refuses or will constantly delay this issue.

Therefore, even if you break all his arguments, agree to all his conditions, it will not change anything. Let's say a man says that a wedding is expensive. The woman says that let's do without a wedding at all, the costs are only for registering a marriage, which I myself will pay. Do you think something will change?

Nothing in 99% of cases.

Therefore, it is common to argue, convince, etc. useless.

Fourth - usually a woman starts a conversation about marriage.

Do you think that a man will offer his hand and heart without any pressure from you? This happens, but rarely enough, no matter what movies, girlfriends, etc. would tell you in this matter.

Who needs? Marriage registration is more necessary for a woman. (Except in a few cases, of course)

I repeat that there is no need to be humiliated. No need to beg. No need to threaten to break up, etc. A man who has lived with you for a year or more, and so understands everything perfectly.

Just tell him calmly that it is important for you to register a relationship. And let him run further and offer you a hand and a heart. Well, if not, then read above. It's easier to find someone else.

That, perhaps, is all in a nutshell.

The main thing is to decide on a conversation. And if there is a refusal, in any form, then part with a man and look for another. If this situation is permanent for you, then you need to change something in yourself. Work on self-esteem, parent programs, etc. You can read more in my books in our online store at the link or find out during.

In general, this is one of the moments in a relationship where a woman needs to take the initiative, some kind of determination, courage and firmness.

Otherwise, I repeat, a sad situation can happen when a girl lived with a man for 5 years and then they quietly parted ways with a lot of mutual claims against each other, caused by the fact that the woman was unhappy and offended that the man did not marry her.

It is better for a woman to leave such a man earlier. Even a wedding and then a divorce is better than losing a few years and lowering self-esteem.

Sincerely, Rashid Kirranov.

Sincerely, Rashid Kirranov.

To shield yourself from negative emotions and disputes, it is better to search the Internet for articles in favor of informal relationships.

Who has not heard such a phrase that the stamp in the passport does not solve anything and does not give guarantees? I agree that no signed agreement guarantees that it will not be violated by one of the parties. There are no guarantees in life, it is changeable and unpredictable.

Many say that love does not interfere with the absence of a stamp. If so, how can he interfere if he is put? Unfortunately, life shows that it is easier not to put a stamp than to put one.

I do not presume to judge whether this is good or bad. Civil marriage is a diagnosis. A woman living in a civil marriage is not married, and a man is not married. Hardly anyone will argue with this.

Give me at least one reason to be in an unregistered marriage. They are not here. The only reason is freedom. Freedom from obligations, from responsibility and from choice.

Therefore, I do not believe in such relationships. I will explain in order.

Civil marriage is not always the final choice (under-choice). When a man and a woman live together for a long time, but do not marry, that is, they do not take the next important step, they seem to say to each other: “I am waiting for the best (the best). Bert Hellinger.

- I only know one thing, that any woman who has children, for example, a girl, would hardly want her to live in civil marriage. Try to feel how your body, how your heart responds to such information: does your daughter not get married, but lives with a man in a civil marriage? How do you feel if your grandchildren are born in such a relationship? For some, this is completely unacceptable, and someone will say that it seems to be nothing bad, but there is some kind of unpleasant aftertaste. And it's better not to think about it at all. Close eyes.

- For me, marriage is a kind of initiation, ritual. Previously, it was a wedding, today it is registration in the registry office. And this is very important. Any ritual draws a line - before and after. This is the event after which another life begins. Before that you are a bride, and after that you are a wife. And the female psyche is arranged in such a way that rituals are very important for us. Therefore, anyone dreams of a wedding and a dress.

For example, in the Middle Ages, a man could put on armor, but he could become a knight only after initiation. And it was not only a civil act, but also a symbolic one, which was accompanied by dressing in different clothes and taking an oath. The ceremony was long and costly for the family of the future knight. But without this ritual, he could not call himself a knight.

“Very often, young people living in open relationships do not introduce their parents to the parents of their partners, there is no unification of two genera, two family systems. If young people submit documents to the registry office, then parents, as a rule, get to know each other. Everyone feels responsible, not only the newlyweds, but also parents, relatives, relatives. Everyone understands that there is a union. There is no association in civil relations.

– Any signing of papers is associated with the subsequent fulfillment of obligations and bearing consequences for their violation, punishment, passing procedures. A stamp is a responsibility. This is the signing of a contract. You just can't get out of a registered relationship. You need to go through the divorce process and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship did not work out. And become a divorced person.
In the case of a civil marriage, as he was free, he remained so. I have friends who lived in a civil marriage for a long time. When the man decided to leave, he could not muster up the courage to admit that he was leaving forever. He simply went to another, as a free man. What claims can be made to him, because he did not promise anything, did not sign anything.

In marriage, this is impossible, at least you will have to explain yourself to your lawful wife and take responsibility for the divorce. And every person understands that in life nothing just happens, we are responsible for everything and pay for everything.

- I have heard more than once that people are afraid to formalize relationships, because the stamp will ruin everything."The stamp in the passport kills all the romance." That's right, if a person has not yet decided to make the final choice, then the stamp will ruin everything. Marriage is a thread, a fetter, if you like, it binds. A person feels that he is no longer free, this begins to oppress him, there is an internal resistance to this kind of “non-freedom”. A person becomes not romantic, but married.

Relationships go wrong, and as a result, someone leaves the relationship. And then he believes that the stamp that “killed romance” is to blame. The stamp does not kill romance, but carelessness and irresponsibility.

“A huge number of people lose count of their years and refuse to grow up. A free life gives a feeling of youth, or rather, youth and carelessness. Marriage and family are not supposed to feel like this. Women entering into such relationships encourage carelessness, do not allow a man to grow up. "Boys cohabit, men create families." Steve Harvey

- Sometimes young people say that they want a magnificent ceremony, they want something grandiose, but there is no money. I don't believe in it at all. This means that we want to “be adults” and “play family”, but we have no money. Well, you can dig, wait. No, I want everything at once: to leave my parents, to play in the family. When there is an end, there are means, and when there is no end, excuses are found. And the result is "adult" married bachelors.

- Dates cannot be eternal, the next stage in the development of relations is the registry office. A bud can't stop blooming forever. And here the man must make a responsible decision - I make a choice in favor of this woman. Tell your parents about it, her parents, that they are uniting. Or he should leave this woman and move on. A woman sometimes does not allow a man to take this important step, jumping out of her parental home prematurely.

- In a civil marriage, a woman believes that she is married, and a man believes that he is single. I have heard more than once that people have been living together for 10 years, and a man does not call a woman his wife, but calls her his girlfriend. It may sound romantic, but it betrays the whole point of such a relationship. And how can a woman call such a man - "beloved person with whom I live"?

- When a man refuses to marry, it is as if he rents a woman, without worries and obligations. And at the same time he gets everything that his wife gives: fidelity, emotional support, an arranged life, sex, love, children and everything he wants. When we rent housing, we perceive it as temporary and do not really care about this room.
Have your standards and don't forget yours. Why do you let yourself be taken advantage of? This does not mean that you should ask him to marry you. Let him know that you don't need to be rented. If he's scared, then he doesn't need you. If he is not ready to start a family, then this is at least true. Why live with a liar? But we are very afraid to find out the truth, so we live in deception for years.

Every man subconsciously knows that he should get married. If he does not marry, then he is not ready. And if at the same time you are ready, then you have different goals. It turns out that he wants to live with a woman, but is afraid to marry? A real man must be held accountable for his actions. And you should not indulge him in his cowardice and cowardice.

Men are spoiled in this sense. Today, women are available in any sense everywhere and everywhere: in the subway, in transport and at work. Almost everyone is ready for any relationship. Therefore, if you do not have a clear position on this issue, then the man will not have it either. "You see, for some men, marriage is in the same category as eating vegetables: you know you have to, but you don't really want to because a buttery, greasy, salty, juicy hamburger tastes so much better." Steve Harvey.

- Often civil marriage is called "rehearsal", "sampling". Pure deception. How can you check this? Sometimes relationships begin to deteriorate after three years or after the birth of children. Then you need to try everything - how he will treat you with a pregnant woman, how he will communicate with children. According to this theory, you have to try for twenty years in order not to make a mistake in choosing. Relationships can deteriorate even after 10-20 years of marriage, when all goals are achieved, apartments are bought, children grow up.

In fact, a woman begins to live in a civil marriage not in order to experience feelings, but in order to keep a man and gain at least some stability in the relationship. But this is self-deception. There was no certainty, and there is not.

- Often the woman herself acts as the initiator of cohabitation. Most often, she generally turns a blind eye to the true attitude of her partner towards her, to his feelings. She meets a man she likes, she wants to get closer, but the man does not propose. Of course, a man is always for everyday comfort and affordable sex, so he agrees to live together. But he does not agree to marry. Feel the difference as they say.

Then the woman waits for an offer, but the man does not make it. Then she convinces herself that the stamp is not important for the family. She already considers herself a wife, and him - her husband, although this "husband" is often still married to another. And no matter how she calls herself, deep down she is aware of her insecure status.

- If children appear in a civil marriage, then I don’t see any reason why not to register the relationship. This is irresponsible towards them. They feel very well that something is wrong, the parents have different surnames. And why aren't mom and dad married? Why didn't he propose to her? Why didn't he choose her? We live in a society, children go to school, and they are not as free as their parents. Why do they have to explain that dad is dear, they just didn’t register their relationship with mom?

- Often young people do not marry because of public protest, they say, we are not a herd and live according to our own understanding: - "For our great love, a stamp is not required." Always in a couple, one does not want to formalize the relationship and broadcasts to the other about exclusivity, about a free worldview. But behind all this lies an unmade choice, and the expectation of a better partner.

I had acquaintances who lived for 13 years in informal relationships, and those around them could not even assume that they were not husband and wife, everything seemed fine. They did not sign because they simply did not "believe" in official marriage. Then the man met another woman and after six months he signed with her.
I know for sure that if a man meets his woman, he takes her to the registry office. If he does not lead you, then he is waiting for another. He didn't choose you. It might be harsh, but it's TRUE.

- A man by nature is his owner, and if he meets a woman, and she completely suits him, then there are no problems with the stamp. He himself will insist on it. It is very important for a man to convey his status to the chosen woman, as well as his last name. In the case of a civil marriage, this does not happen. Really, if a man has made the final choice, he will allow a woman to remain free? I do not believe.

“A woman's greatest need is the need for security. We talk about male needs in detail in the lessons More . How can she be satisfied in a civil marriage? No way. Subconsciously, a woman always feels anxiety about tomorrow, she cannot relax in such a relationship. All women need certainty.
It follows from this that since there is no confidence in a partner, it means that a woman can only rely on herself. She cannot trust her partner, she must play it safe and keep her finger on the pulse. And it kills her as a woman.

I already assume that I will receive a lot of letters and comments that you know many couples who live perfectly without a stamp, that they have love and consent.
So I want to immediately warn this kind of letters. Sometimes we can’t figure it out with ourselves, understand what is happening in our family. What can we know about others? The facade may be beautiful, but we cannot know what lies behind it.
I know only one thing - almost every woman wants to have certainty in a relationship. And it is unlikely that she wants to be an eternal bride, girlfriend or cohabitant, unless, of course, she is waiting for the best party in this relationship.

All this talk about freedom of choice is not entirely sincere and natural. It is important to find out the truth and finally stop deceiving, first of all, yourself. After all, in the end, only a woman allows or does not allow an open relationship.

I will definitely continue the conversation about civil marriage, so as not to miss subscribe to the newsletter.

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Tatyana Dzutseva

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