How to heal the relationship with the boss and start working calmly. “Put up, put up, put up”, or How to resolve a conflict with a boss Conflict with a woman boss what to do

07.12.2021 -

Objective causes of conflicts with the boss

1. The contradiction between the functional and personal aspects in the relationship of the boss - subordinate;
2. All professions in the “man-man” system are inherently conflictogenic in principle;
3. All kinds of reasons related to the subject activity content;
4. Mismatch of functions, duties and limits of responsibility;
5. Insufficient provision of management decisions with everything necessary for their implementation.

The frequency of conflicts between a superior and a subordinate depends on the intensity of their joint activities.

The main managerial causes of conflicts with the boss

1. Unreasonable non-optimal and erroneous decisions of the leader;
2. Excessive control of subordinates by superiors;
3. Insufficient professional training of the manager;
4. Uneven distribution of the workload;
5. Violations in the system of labor incentives.

Typical personal causes of conflicts between a boss and a subordinate

1. Low level of communication culture, incorrect attitude, rudeness, rudeness;
2. Not conscientious performance of their duties by subordinates;
3. The desire of the chief to assert his authority at any cost;
4. Negative attitude of the leader towards his subordinates.

Conditions for preventing conflicts with the boss

1. Psychological selection of specialists in the organization;
2. Stimulation of professional motivation;
3. Reducing the socio-psychological and emotional stress through corporate events and family meetings;
4. Organization of labor by type of cooperation;
5. Fair distribution of workload and responsibility between subordinates.

Conflict with boss. How to behave?

“The director enters the office to his subordinates and immediately yells at his employees: - I told you all, it is strictly forbidden to smoke during work! “Excuse me, Nikolai Vasilyevich, but who works here?” Joke

First, let the boss talk, while trying not to argue with him. Without interrupting, listen to his point of view, and only then calmly express yours.

If, in the process of communicating with your boss, you do not restrain your emotions, then you yourself understand that a constructive resolution of the conflict will not work. Remember that the right moment to resolve the conflict is already half the battle.

Often the sources of conflict are not the essence of the statement, but its form. Therefore, if you have such an opportunity, then it is better to postpone the conversation with the boss until another time, until you both calm down. It is better to behave in a conflict with the boss with a neutral intonation and in calm expressions.

The conflict between the boss and the subordinate is best resolved one on one

Constructively resolve the conflict with the boss, first of all, in your interests. Never clarify controversial issues with management in front of other employees. A public showdown often causes anger and irritation in the boss, because any conflict is negatively displayed on his reputation and image.

In addition, as a result of a public conflict in the office, the psychological atmosphere worsens, various gossip appears, and the manager inevitably begins to get angry at the culprit.

It is necessary not only to avoid a public quarrel, but also not to discuss with colleagues your relationship with superiors and not to slander him. If only because any of these employees can convey your furious statements to the authorities, which will become a trigger for a conflict and further aggravate the current situation.

Conflict with boss. Permission rules

Look at your boss not as an adversary, but as an ordinary person who has his own personal beliefs, principles, problems, strengths and weaknesses. You may notice that the boss is more nervous than usual for subjective reasons that you absolutely do not belong to. If so, then try to understand it. So it will be easier for you to come to a peaceful solution to the problem.

When in conflict with your boss, be prepared to compromise.

This does not mean at all that you should betray your own interests, but you should not be too principled either. Compromise means that you must remain flexible, even if your opponent's beliefs and arguments are fundamentally different from yours.

Find something that unites you, and do not inflate the conflict with the boss

At least not the one who is right, but who was the first to stop the conflict is right. In addition, perhaps time will show that your boss was right in his arguments.

Well, if the circumstances are such that the conflict with the boss cannot be resolved even with the help of avoiding him, then you always have the decision to quit, and leave it only as a last resort, when it is impossible to change the situation or come to terms with it.

“The boss, saying goodbye to an employee who decided to quit: - What a pity it is a pity that you are leaving. I'm so used to you. You have become almost like my own son to me: the same careless, disorganized, irresponsible and lazy!” Joke

09:50 14.12.2015

Any conflict at work can be neutralized with the help of certain speech techniques that will not only extinguish the negative, but also lead to fruitful cooperation. Psychologist Marina Prepotenskaya offers techniques for resolving conflict situations.

Life without conflicts, alas, is impossible: in the business sphere, in everyday life, in personal relationships. Conflict (translated from Latin - "collision") is almost inevitable between people and its cause is often mutually opposite, incompatible needs, goals, attitudes, values ...

Someone passionately gets involved in a communication war and tries with all his might to prove the case and win the conflict. Someone tries to bypass sharp corners and sincerely wonders why the conflict does not go out. And someone calmly neutralizes the problem without aggravating it and without wasting energy, strength, health.

We should take it for granted that conflicts have been, are and will be, but either they control us or we control them.

Otherwise, even an insignificant situational conflict can develop into a protracted war that poisons life every day ... Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression, since experiences and emotions are always a strong muscle clamp, and especially in the larynx.

As a result - a cry, an inadequate reaction, severe stress, emotional involvement in the conflict of an increasing number of people.

Learn to resolve conflicts with simple situational speech techniques. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, strategies are chosen differently, but you need to act only according to the situation. Remember the suggested methods.

Neutralize!

Awareness of the conflict:the first and most important stage of neutralization. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that it is precisely the conflict that is brewing, in no case do not connect emotions, leave the line of attack. If the situation allows, leave the premises for a while, even if you are in the boss's office. If etiquette allows, you can calmly add: “Sorry, I don’t talk in that tone” or “We’ll talk when you calm down, sorry.” Walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself with cold water - to neutralize the aggression inside you, switch to a number of abstract physical actions for at least a couple of minutes.

Pattern break: eIf a colleague or boss shows aggression towards you, use a simple touch-switch manipulation. "Accidentally" drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: "It's so stuffy in our room ..." So aggression does not reach the goal.
Agree and ... attack with questions! This is one of the ways to break the conflict pattern, when accusations are poured into your address from the lips of the authorities, and, alas, not without reason. Agree on all counts (here it is important not to overplay and control your emotions). And then… ask for help. Say: “It’s hard for me because…”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix”, “give advice”, etc. Ask clarifying open questions that require a detailed answer - they save the situation.
Complimentary works wonders. Is the person against you for one reason or another? Consult with him on work issues, appealing to his competence, professionalism (look for all his strengths). It is possible that the incident will be over very soon.
Sniper technique:pretend that you didn't hear and indifferently ask again. Use inin the event that one of your colleagues deliberately provokes you and frankly offends you with some phrases. As a rule, a person starts to get lost. Say: "You see, you can't even clearly formulate your claims, explain. When you find the words, then we'll talk face-to-face."
Time to drink tea! Really,many conflicts can indeed be brought to naught with the help of a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think has a dislike for you, the best thing to do is to talk frankly and ask a series of questions. For example: "What annoys you about me? Voice? Manner of speech? Clothes? Weight? Let'slet's figure it out. "So the conflict is translated into a constructive channel and, according to psychologists, this is the most civilized way of behavior. In that situation, if we feel that they have hostility towards us, it is useful to find a convenient moment and talk heart to heart. Most often, conflicts are completely exhaust themselves, and in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.

Beat the enemy with his own weapon.You can explode in response and win a visible victory. But the result will be the same: instead of neutralization - a chronic protracted war: it is hardly worth spending time and effort on this. They can be used to resolve the conflict.

Do not provoke and warn!

It is no secret that often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts. For example, you did not have time to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach the boss at the beginning of the day and say: "I understand that there may be a conflict, but such and such a situation happened to me." And explain the reasons.

Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a "war". Since the cause of each conflict is some kind of incident or annoying factor, try to figure out what is happening, and in any situations (whether it be relationships with management, "ordinary" employees or subordinates) adhere to the golden rule of conflictology "I-statement".

Instead of blaming, communicate your feelings. For example, say: "I feel uncomfortable" instead of: "You find fault with me, you disturb me, you gossip, etc."
If this is a showdown, say: "I'm worried, it's difficult for me", "I feel discomfort", "I want to understand the situation", "I want to know".
It is very important to adjust to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict. If this is the boss, say the phrases: "Yes, I understand you", "This is a common problem", "Yes, this upsets me too", "Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I think so too."

It is extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in the place of a person, to hear not so much what a person says, but to think why he says it that way.

In a boss-subordinate situation, a person can be brought to a rational level of communication by clarifying questions. This is what you need to do if you're being nagged too much.

Are you unfairly accused of being a bad worker? Confidently start attacking with questions: "If I am a bad worker, why are you telling me about this right now?", "Why am I a bad worker, explain to me."

They tell you that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you did not do, specify: "What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you: answer my question." Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict.

Complementing the image

Remember the main thing: in any conflict situation, you must radiate calmness. This will help you:

confident intonation; avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflictogenic. With those colleagues with whom you do not maintain friendly relations for one reason or another, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without false sincerity (and without a challenge);
the moderate rate of speech and the low timbre of the voice are most pleasing to the ear. In the event that you are talking with a person who does not have sympathy for you, make adjustments to his intonation and manner of speaking - this disposes and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
a look into the brow zone in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker”. This optical focus suppresses aggression;
a straight (but not tense) back always sets in a positive mood, gives confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem!

... It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list can be continued indefinitely. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, attitudes and ... internal problems.

In addition, there are words and topics that can ignite a chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age ... Try not to touch on "hot" topics on fertile conflict ground. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is desirable to boast less of an ideal husband ...

You can make a list of warnings yourself, carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear harsh phrases in relation to yourself, put your emotions aside, do not connect to the energy of the aggressor - simply ignore him.

Do you hear outright rudeness? Leave or neutralize, breaking the pattern.

Criticism on the case? Join, say words of support, if the situation allows, switch to complimentary.

Excessive quibbles? Go on the attack with clarifying open questions.

But most importantly, seek inner peace. And, of course, never let yourself be drawn into "friendship against someone." Demonstrate confidence, increase self-esteem, work on yourself - and you will be able to neutralize any negative directed at yourself. And, moreover, you will be able to get daily pleasure from your work!

Read at your leisure

Anatoly Nekrasov "Egregors"
Eric Byrne "Games People Play"
Victor Sheinov "Conflicts in our life and their resolution"
Valentina Sergeecheva "Verbal karate. Strategy and tactics of communication"
Lillian Glass "Verbal self-defense step by step"

Photo in text: Depositphotos.com

Sometimes, conflicts at work cannot be avoided. Small differences can lead to big fights. But how to behave if you entered into a skirmish with the leader? We will tell you how to behave better during and after a quarrel.

Arrange negotiations

Negotiation is one of the smartest ways to deal with conflict. If you meet with harsh criticism, do not understand or do not agree with its content, calmly ask your boss what specifically does not suit him in your work or behavior.

Psychologists say that such tactics of behavior in conflicts are quite effective: it calms the opponent. The attacker expects to be rebuffed, but in response he hears only clarifying questions and realizes that the opponent is trying to understand him, trying to hear the essence of the outgoing criticism. In this case, the quarrel will be productive, because the subordinate will be able to identify his shortcomings and start working on them.

However, you need to have strong self-control in reserve, because most often the instinct of self-defense works. In any case, this method is suitable for strong people who tend to make informed decisions during stress. We advise you to learn how to deal with such situations.

admit defeat

Some employees really run into a conflict, so if lately you have received repeated comments, disrupted reports, were late for work, and generally interfered with the successful flow of work, be prepared for an honestly well-deserved dressing. In order not to get even more irritation from the boss, it is better to agree with all the comments, adding phrases that everything will be fixed.

In the case when, with all the effort, you cannot cope with your duties, during an unpleasant conversation with your boss, admit that you have encountered difficulties and need help. An understanding boss will lower his tone, give advice, attach a mentor to you.

According to this tactic, it would be wise to apologize first after some time after a loud argument. After all, mistakes must be acknowledged.

stay cool

Perhaps the best of the existing methods is to keep calm and a cold mind. With this tactic, don't raise your tone or let your boss do it. If shouts and unpleasant language rain down in your direction, besiege your opponent with a phrase like: “I will not continue the conversation in that tone”, “If you want to discuss this, then please take a lower tone.” Too expressive specimens cannot be calmed like that, but here it remains either to listen further, or to leave the opponent alone with his thoughts.

In most cases, people pull themselves together when they are told that they have crossed the border.

When it comes to post-conflict behavior, a cold-blooded tactic involves pretending nothing happened. During the inevitable contact, behave within the framework of business etiquette, refrain from slippery hints and angry looks. So the situation will remain suspended and settle down only with time, but it will not worsen.

Run from the battlefield

Thus, you simply walk away from the conflict. If it’s morally difficult for you to listen to your boss, and tears began to come to your eyes, the accumulated aggression is about to come out or you just don’t know how to behave, leave the battlefield. Use phrases like "Return to the conversation when you're ready to talk calmly."

It is better not to use the tactic of running away after a quarrel: avoiding meetings with the boss will make you look stupid. Know that in this situation, a conversation is still necessary.

To push back

We warn you that an aggressive response is not the most reliable way to behave during a conflict with management. The consequences of reciprocal rudeness are impossible to predict. One boss will kick you in the neck for this, the other, on the contrary, will respect the employee who managed to fend for himself. In the first case, even if you stay at work, it will be very difficult to build relationships. The stakes are too high, so it's better to control yourself.

But this does not mean that they must endure everything and with renewed vigor and an unpleasant aftertaste, take up work. In this case, it is not forbidden to fight back, but within reason. All it takes is a confident tone, evidence that you're right, and a few blocking phrases, such as "I know I'm wrong, but I won't let you talk to me like that."

Conflicts at work are not a pleasant thing, but sometimes truth is born in disputes. Perhaps this is a signal that both you and your manager need to change something in their behavior. Or maybe this is a sure sign that it's time for you to think about a new workplace. If the conflict is still unavoidable, use the right tactics. We wish you successful work!

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The status of a leader obliges both a man and a woman to demonstrate an imperious, independent, dominant style of behavior. However, a male leader and a female leader still behave in a completely different way in a conflict.

Head woman

A woman leader always experiences conflicts with her subordinates very sharply and painfully. In an open confrontation, she is unpredictable and spontaneous, she is in the grip of emotions that will certainly be transmitted to others. In the heat of a quarrel, the boss lady can remember all your past miscalculations, blame you for her failures: “It was you who brought me with your incompetence and stupidity.”

For a long time after the skirmish, the leader will worry about her intemperance, analyze the words you said to her, and her discontent is always projected onto others. Naturally, you will feel disgusting. A natural question arises: do you need all this? You must learn to avoid conflicts, recognize and prevent brewing quarrels in time.

A female leader tends to mother her subordinates. Bosses especially like to take care of their young secretaries. Communication with you is built from the position “I am an adult, you are a child. I know better what to do and how to do it.” The reason for this state of affairs may partly be your behavior. How often, in response to the teachings and instructions of the boss, did you get offended, irritated and excited, defending your independence and competence? Demonstration of such (typically childish!) emotional reactions will only convince the boss of your immaturity.

Pay attention to that , what they say to you, trying not to pay attention to the manner of the boss presenting her recommendations, react to comments and suggestions calmly, in a businesslike way - after all, you are gaining invaluable professional experience. Try to communicate with the boss on an equal footing, without fawning and self-abasement, you are partners and colleagues, professionals involved in a common cause.

“I knew that you would do everything the other way around!”, “I wonder what they just taught you?”, “Let's see what happens this time ...” Caustic mockery from the lips of the leader hurts pride, while spoiling the mood and loss of desire to work.

Do not make excuses and do not apologize - the last word will still remain with the boss. Admit your shortcomings: “I understand your concerns. I really was wrong. This is a good lesson for the future." Professional growth of a specialist is a long process. Years will pass, and you will surely remember with gratitude your first leader, so demanding and strict.

If conflict with the leader cannot be avoided ...

- Listen carefully to everything that concerns you.

- Talk only about your feelings and thoughts, do not explain to the boss what she thinks and feels.

– Avoid generalizations, accusations and negative assessments.

- Forget about the weaknesses of the leader and the facts told to you "in secret."

– Find the courage to discuss with your boss the true reasons for disagreements: only by clarifying their essence, you can understand each other.

Male head

“My business is well organized. Everything went like clockwork, everyone was happy, and now - on you ... ”At least this is how the male leader thinks, finding himself a participant in the conflict. As a rule, open disagreements confuse the boss, he is internally lost and does not know how to behave. The man acts in accordance with social expectations. Most likely, the boss will perceive you as the culprit of annoying misunderstandings and will suppress the conflict in a directive, not interested in your feelings and interests: “Do a better job!”

Your task is not to bring the matter to a quarrel. Do not carry resentment in yourself, do not accumulate irritation, strive to discuss any problem “here and now”. A man is always focused on tasks, he feels confident in a situation of business negotiations.

A male leader is inclined to perceive a female subordinate through the prism of a stereotype, the essence of which was outlined by Plato: "... By nature, both a woman and a man can take part in all matters, but a woman is much weaker than a man."

Especially vividly such illusions of the boss are manifested in relation to young inexperienced employees, in whom he sees a young beauty, "office decoration", and by no means a specialist. The behavior of the boss in this case can be different: from unpleasant ridicule and remarks addressed to you to outright familiarity. Many girls get lost and don't know how to react to it. The main thing is to exclude ingratiation, servility, timidity, and even more so - the approval of the boss's immodest hints. By the way, tuned in to a certain wave, the boss can interpret even neutral views and gestures in his favor. Once in such a situation, you must clearly state your job responsibilities and make it clear to the manager that you are going to limit yourself to only their implementation. If you are persistently “not understood”, there is always a choice: to remain as a temporary favorite with a loving boss or to find a decent and stable job in another team.

The head of one enterprise constantly expressed dissatisfaction with the business success of his secretary. The girl was the object of unfair criticism. She was repeatedly hinted at an imminent job change. It turned out that the cause of doubts about the competence of the employee was her "soft" style of interaction with the boss, uncertainty and inconsistency in behavior.

Serious people who have achieved a lot in life make tough demands on others. According to male leaders, without activity and confidence, it is impossible to achieve good results. They want to see these qualities in their employees. Moreover, sometimes for dissatisfaction, the absence of external manifestations of desirable characteristics is enough.

Due to some character traits of the leader, the image of the organization may suffer, and the efficiency of its work may decrease. Due to absent-mindedness, the boss mixed up the time and was late for negotiations, missed an important interview. However, he never openly admits his forgetfulness. On the contrary, they will reproach you for not reminding you in time, not informing you.

Ask your boss to acquaint you with the work schedule and warn him in advance about the planned one. But, choosing such a tactic, stick to the "golden mean", otherwise you risk turning into a "nanny" of an absent-minded boss. If you have just changed jobs, look closely at the boss - gradually you will learn all the features of his character. In addition, you will learn a lot from other employees.