How to react to the fact that the child. Why is he rude? How to respond to rude things said by a child

What to do if the cry of other people's children on an airplane or train unbalances you, what is emotional hunger and how it manifests itself in adulthood - psychologist Nelly Kupriyanovich told us.

- It happens that in public places - in a cafe, on a train or an airplane, someone else's child screams heart-rendingly, or he is naughty, violating our plans and dreams of a quiet road or a calm cup of coffee. The situation is ambiguous, because making a remark seems to be indecent ...

- Situations are different: the child is physically ill and he cries, or the child is naughty, in this case, of course, you can appeal to the parent "do something, the baby is in the way." Much depends on what structures work in the parent-child relationship. Here I have three children, and I know for sure when one is crying - I need to step back so that the crying ends as soon as possible; when another cries, I must turn on, and then the crying will end.

Children from birth scan the world for boundaries and permissibility. That is, they manipulate from birth, of course, unconsciously. Already by the age of two, the child has stereotypes of behavior: with a grandmother, you can stomp your feet and scream, and then she will do everything, but with a grandfather, such a number will not work ... 90% of adults also manipulate on an unconscious level.

As far as a child manages to “divorce” his parents, his boundaries are so wide (in a good and bad sense). The child can twist adults "in the ram's horn" as much as they allow him to do so.

Most often, a parent chooses one of three strategies: ignoring, aggression or satisfaction needs at the first click. Each variant tends to develop with age. Of course, ideally, all three strategies should be able to combine.

The situation is common: a tantrum in the store, a scream on the floor. Mom burns with shame. She turns on a complex of dependence on social opinion, she is worried about what a “bad mother” will think of her. She quickly agrees to the purchase, thereby reinforcing destructive behavior in the child. The child grows, the tantrums continue, they change. So, a teenager can say “buy me a car or I will drown myself”, and parents are afraid of this - and they are rightly afraid, because the child has a stereotype of behavior “threat always works”.

So, a competent mother will ignore the hysteria in the store. The worst thing is when strangers get involved in this situation: they begin to feel sorry or scold - it doesn’t matter. All! They paid attention to him! Although initially he plays unconsciously "for mom."

From lack of attention?

- All people are emotionally hungry, some have it more, some have less, and someone just knows how to satisfy it better. But everything is formed up to a year. The basis is basic trust in the world and feeding. Emotional contact should be on all channels - visually, auditory, tactile ... There are failures - distortions appear. You need to eat emotionally so as not to starve. Julia Gippenreiter, whom I advise everyone to read, says that a child should be hugged at least 7-9 times a day! You have to talk to him and play with him. Involve your child in your affairs - cook together in the kitchen ... He will already be emotionally fed by communication.

In general, an emotionally hungry child gets attention in many ways.

The first is to do well. Earning attention. This often leads to an "excellent student" complex, to perfectionism. The bar grows every time. It happens that a teenager does not have enough points to get a red diploma or to enter a university, and this leads him to suicide. He can't handle failure.

The second is disease. If a child is sick, he urgently needs visual, auditory, tactile therapy! And not only during illness. From such a child who gets attention through illness, an alcoholic, a drug addict, etc. can turn out. Parents are worn, treated, taken out of hard drinking ... And he needed adequate emotional feeding.

theearlyyears.ca

The third way is to do "Skoda". I can't find another word. The child causes harm - accidentally broke something, broke a window, pulled someone ... For this, the child gets "down the tail." For an emotionally hungry child, it doesn't really matter whether it's stroking or beating. Contact is important to him, understanding that he is for parents. Later, such a person seeks self-destruction - speeding, suicide, prison or something else. Shoplifting or gossip just. Unconsciously make someone "Skoda", even indirectly. For example, your friend says she saw your husband with some girl...

- Is there a concept of the norm in relation to the child?

- If only medical ... And then - everything is relative. Doctors make so many diagnoses for children at the age of 2-3 years - "dyslalia", something else ... And poor parents get scared and try to do something with the child. Doesn't speak until age two? Everything, some abnormal! In fact, all this is the norm. Everything will be in due time. A child can be silent for up to four years.

What about the medical diagnosis of hyperactivity? Somehow, psychologists and teachers in kindergartens manage to make such a diagnosis!

Such is the time now that they hang labels everywhere - in the kindergarten, at school ... The task of the parent is to protect the child from this "garbage" of the outside world. But for this it is necessary that parents be self-sufficient.

The child is essentially an extension of the parents. This is a reflection of what is happening in the family system and in the relationship of parents. And the child plays with what surrounds him.

Does the behavior of a child always depend on the situation in the family?

Happy parents have happy children, adequate parents have adequate children. And, as a rule, problems with a child are unresolved problems of a parent. So, if a mother suffers from a dependence on social opinion, then she will “beat” the child when he not only causes discomfort to others, but the mother thinks that he can cause inconvenience to someone. To not think badly of her.

For another mother, such a situation simply will not arise, such a method of interaction will not arise: if it is not customary to scream in the family, then the child will not try to achieve something by shouting.

- How to respond to the uncomfortable behavior of other people's children in a public space?

- We are entering the public space and we must understand that if the plane is for everyone, then there can be a variety of categories of people: the elderly, adults, children. If an airline allows everyone on board, it must make sure that everyone is comfortable.

The situation may be different. For example, cafes that want to see a lot of visitors take care of their comfort (bring pencils, paper, coloring books for children, make children's corners). After all, a child comes to a new place - a cafe, an airplane, a train - and it does not matter that this is his tenth flight, all the same, everything around is unknown. New for a child is stress. You know, when a bride is proposed, she suddenly starts crying, although she was expecting this proposal, but she cries because the situation is stressful for her. So is the child. He may also dislike a lot of things - that the plane is gray, that it is a closed space, he may not like the smell, finally ...

- What should others do in such a situation? Especially if the parents failed to help the child cope with this stress?

- There are two options: help or just condemn. The second is easier...

Whether the child/parents are doing well or badly - evaluation is generally a relative matter. In Sparta, unwanted children were generally left on the street - they either died or were picked up - and then it was the norm.

It is good for a child if there is some new factor that will captivate him. It's great if a child is given some new toy on board - then he immediately begins to play and gently adapts to a new situation, place. The same in the cafe - the child painted, and while he is in business - the situation becomes more familiar.

psychology.ru

What parents themselves live - you need to include children in this. About 12 years ago, children's discos appeared, I took my daughter to a disco when she was a year old. The world is so adapted to all ages - there is everything! In restaurants, you can spend time with a baby, in a stroller. If there is no restriction icon on the doors “on rollers”, “with a dog”, “with a stroller”, it means that the establishment takes the responsibility to ensure the comfort of customers.

Judgment is the easiest. Each person evaluates the situation through the prism of their complexes. What kind of mother is she? Is the child in pain or not? Can mom do something or not? The answers are our guesses, fantasies ... Maybe this particular woman has a standard situation that her child should scream for an hour. Maybe this is how he expresses his emotions, relieves tension, energy. He yells for an hour - and then everything is fine with him, the “golden child” the rest of the time!

- The tension is relieved by the child, but it accumulates in others. We want an hour of silence, but we get quite the opposite, the expectation is violated.

The child may be out of control. The child is not a robot. It is impossible to turn it on and off when we need it. How about a drunk passenger?

You can call the police on a drunk.

- Yes, you won’t call on a child. What can be done? Swap places with a passenger, move to another compartment (on the train), but there may be a snoring grandmother ... You can plug your ears and try to sleep. Regular paper absorbs 70% of noise.

The parent may tense up and try to interest the child. But until he masters the surrounding space - how to pull the curtain, how the table reclines, etc. He won't sit down to draw. We need to give him time to explore. It doesn't matter how old the child is.

But it happens that for some reason a parent is not resourceful, he is exhausted, he has a serious problem, etc.

So, a passenger in the neighborhood may have a headache - he is non-resourceful, and someone close to the child's mother has died - she is also non-resourceful. Perhaps a passenger with pain and with claims to this situation at this moment wants to be taken care of a little, just sympathize.

What is there to advise? You need to present yourself, you need to ask for help, you need to offer help to others. In our country, it often happens that one person with a problem situation is faced with another the same. There is no interaction. It turns out aggression. The emotional state is wound up even more. Maybe the mother, whose child is naughty in the train car, is already so fed up with the teachers “your so terrible”, and then the stranger demands to calm the child ...

You can and should interact. Try to solve the situation, don't be afraid to offer help.

Is communication disrupted in our society? Is that the problem, do you think?

- There are no relations, people do not build them, they do not use them. Now is the time when people are closed in themselves. Emotional hunger is on the rise. People categorically do not make contact nevertheless. It turns out that any clash of interests is, in fact, a conflict.

On a train in a situation of a noisy child, one should simply explain the situation and offer help: “I have a very bad headache, is there anything I can do to make the compartment a little quieter?”. And there will definitely be a response! After all, mom also needs to hear that she is offered help. She is already used to the fact that her child interferes with everyone, she needs to constantly help someone ... If she needs help in such a situation, there will be a rejection “I can’t do anything” or “you need it - you do it!”.

Each person is responsible for their own emotions. Breaking the world to make it good for you is not entirely right, because it is a violation of someone else's world. Aligning your world at the expense of someone else's is wrong.

favim.ru

If I feel uncomfortable that a child screams for an hour on an airplane, I am responsible for my dissatisfaction and for my discomfort. And only I have the responsibility to take care of my own comfort. But if I demand to calm the child, this violates someone else's world. Ask the steward for headphones - they are on the plane. Or you can help your child switch — fly a paper airplane! But primitive things will not work "I'll give you candy, but don't cry." We need creativity.

It’s good if the parent switches the child, but if the cry is related to a situation where something was not allowed before the flight, something wasn’t bought ... then he can scream for a long time, and his cry is fixated on his mother, who, most likely, will not be able to calm him down. The rest of the passengers here fall "under the distribution."

But if you endure your state of discomfort for a long time “when will it end”, it is worth considering. You make the choice to endure, that is, self-destruct, instead of taking care of yourself. A person "clings" to himself situations from the outside world, depending on his condition. If the mood is good, then it does not matter to us: the sun is on the street or it is raining, someone will step on the foot or not.

It is almost impossible to avoid the appearance of teasers in the children's team, but it is necessary to fight them.

​​​​​​​Parents and educators should not disregard situations where children call each other names. The task of the teacher is to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with the instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. It is necessary to discuss with the victim why others call names (take offense at him, want to attract his attention?).

It happens that the child does not understand what he is saying, or does not realize that he is uttering very offensive and offensive words. It should be explained to him that in this way he offends all those present and it is indecent to use such words. Teenagers can be told that people use swearing only as a last resort, when out of desperation they no longer have enough strength and words, and help them change their attitude to difficult situations. For example, one teacher suggested that her fifth graders use the names of dinosaurs or flowers instead of common swear words. You can call a classmate who steps on his foot a diplodocus or a cactus. It will also sound emotional, but much less rude and humorous.

It is useful to play associations with the guys - take turns talking about what objects, animals, seasons, etc. they associate with each other. It is better to start the game in small groups so that everyone can speak out and be in the central role. You can discuss why this or that association has arisen. This game helps to draw the child's attention to which of his qualities are significant to others.

Parents, if a child complains of being teased, should talk to him about how you can and should respond to the call.

Don't react at all(ignore, disregard) This is quite difficult to do, but in some cases it is effective. For example: "Hare, hare!" - calls a classmate. Do not respond until you call by name, pretend that you do not understand who they are addressing. Say: “Actually, my name is Vasya. Did you call me?"

React out of the box. A child who calls names always expects to receive a certain reaction from the victim (resentment, anger, etc.), the unusual behavior of the victim can stop aggression. For example, you can agree with the nickname: “Yes, my mother also thinks that I am somewhat similar to an owl, I see better at night, and I like to sleep in the morning.” Or laugh together: “Yes, we have such a surname, so they teased my great-grandfather.” By the way, parents can talk at home with their child about the fact that often in a team children call names to each other, misrepresenting, distorting surnames, and come up with nicknames. You can remember how they called them names at one time, try to make a new one out of a surname together, determine who will come up with a more original, unusual one, and laugh together. Then it will be easier for the child not to be offended by peers - he will be ready for this.

Explain yourself. You can calmly say to a calling peer: “I am very sorry to hear this”, “Why do you want to offend me?”. One second grader (the largest in the class) was called fat by another boy. To which the object of ridicule said: “You know, something I don’t want to be friends with you at all.” This impressed the aggressor so much that he apologized and stopped calling names.

Do not succumb to provocation. Classmates chased a fifth grade student and called him Masyanya. He got angry and rushed at them with his fists. Everyone ran away with delight, and then started again. The boy was asked to try (as an experiment, such a suggestion is always readily accepted by children) the next time not to rush at the offenders with his fists, but to turn to them and calmly say: “Guys, I'm tired, let me rest.”

Don't let yourself be manipulated. Very often, children seek to force their peers to do something with the help of name-calling. For example, everyone knows the “take on weakly” technique. For all intents and purposes, the child is told that he does not do something because he is a "coward", "scumbag", etc., thus putting him before a choice: either agree to do what is required of him (often break some rules or put himself in danger), or he will remain in the eyes of those around him as a "squishy" and "coward". Probably, of all the situations associated with name-calling, this one is the most difficult. And here it is very difficult to help a child get out of it with dignity, because it is not easy for an adult to resist the opinion of the majority, especially those with whom you will have to communicate in the future.

In this sense, it is very interesting to discuss with the child the story of V.Yu. Dragunsky “Workers crush the stone”, in which Deniska finally decided to jump from the tower, but not because everyone laughed at him, but because he could not respect himself if he had not done so. The child's attention should be drawn to the fact that in each specific situation it is necessary not to rush, to weigh all the pros and cons, to understand what is more important: to prove something to others or to maintain self-respect.

Reply. Sometimes it is useful to respond to the offender in the same way, not to be a passive victim, but to become an equal with the offender.

When another fight happened in the sixth grade and the head teacher asked: “Well, why are you fighting ?!” - one of the fighters replied: “And he teases me. Calls "bald birch"! The boy had the surname Berezin, and his opponent had a hard-to-pronounce Georgian surname, his name was Koba. And the head teacher exclaimed in her hearts: “Well, you tease him, say - “Shaggy Koba”! Why fight something?!”

Maybe teaching this is not pedagogical, but sometimes there is no other way out. True, you can answer not with an insult, but with a special excuse.

Say goodbye. According to the observations of M.V. Osorina, for 5-9-year-old children it is very important to be able to shout out an excuse in response to a name-calling - a kind of defense against a verbal attack. Knowing such excuses helps not to leave an insult unanswered, to stop the conflict, to remain calm (at least outwardly), to surprise and, accordingly, stop the attacker. The last word in this case remains with the victim.

Here are examples of answers:

"Black box office -
I have the key
who calls -
on himself!"

"Chicky-tracks - wall!"

(The child puts a barrier between himself and the name-calling with his hand).

"There was a crocodile,
swallowed your word
but left mine!

"Whoever calls names - he calls himself that!"

"- Fool!
- Nice to meet you, and my name is Petya.

All excuses should be pronounced in a calm, friendly tone, trying to reduce everything to a joke.

Outcast children - the consequences of bullying

​​​​​​​In 1981, American psychologists Achenbach and Edelbrock conducted a study, the results of which showed that “a child’s confidence in his position can contribute to the development of his life skills in a team, and rejection by peers entails the development of isolation, but not leads to a weakening of those traits by which it is caused. Besides, Difficulty in relationships with peers that appeared in childhood is often a harbinger of emotional distress in the future.

In a number of works by domestic and foreign psychologists, it is noted that unfavorable relationships in the team contribute to the emergence of persistent negative experiences in the child, the disappearance of self-confidence and a decrease in the ability and desire to learn. They are often the cause of early dropout from school. The lack of social recognition and communication is compensated by the search for an out-of-school circle of peers, which is characterized by illegal behavior. Bad relationships in the classroom lead to other negative consequences. Cm.

Summary: I want baby. How do parents respond to a child's wish? Switching attention. Grotesque reasons designed to discourage the baby. Depreciation.

The main difference between a child's psyche and an adult's is not at all that children are dumber. Some children are much smarter than you and me, but one thing is certain: children are inexperienced and at first it is enough to simply deceive them. How often do we face this temptation: to give a child a beautiful untruth, to a question asked by surprise - to answer first what “came to mind”. It is easier than at the cost of your own comfort to indulge in long, complex and not always pleasant explanations! If you don't think the lies you gave life to are still up in the air, then why not lie? But not everything is so simple.

Dishonesty as a way out of conflict.

How hard it is sometimes to withstand confrontation with a crumb! For some reason, it is impossible to give in, but seeing tears and listening to crying is also not the most pleasant pastime.

The most common situation in which parents resort to craftiness is the moment when the child is denied what they want. The "I want" that escaped from the children's lips repeatedly made any mother shudder in the store. Each family has its own philosophy of visiting the toy departments, but the parent always knows: it's not at all about the family budget. It is impossible to buy everything, and the best doll always remains in the window - shining and out of reach. You will easily recognize the most common parental responses in the "want" situation.

Switching attention.

The attention of very young children is very unstable, and desires are changeable, like the northern lights. Even if the baby is already talking a little, you always have the opportunity to distract him in any suitable way. However, your attempts to switch the attention of the "raging" child after a certain age (2-2.5 years) become akin to ignoring and disrespecting his personality. It doesn’t matter if you say: “What a delicious pie we have at home!” or: "Look - there is an uncle who looks like a clown!", you demonstrate the same thing: the child failed to convey to you what he tried so hard to convey to you. He feels like you are brushing him off like a fly.

Some parents have a habit of simultaneously extracting "educational benefits" from the situation. For example, say: “Do you want such a squirrel? And really, what a cutie! It is very similar to the bunny that you threw under the sofa and didn’t get it for six months. ” Such a technique (manipulation of guilt) is certainly dishonest, and, like any forbidden technique, it is fined. In this case, children's trust in you suffers.

Grotesque reasons designed to discourage the baby.

This way of getting along with toddlers is more typical of their grandparents. Who hasn’t heard something like: “If we buy this expensive toy, we will die of hunger” or “Don’t scream, your teeth will run out of your mouth” or “You can’t fight! You’ll break your dad’s head with a shovel” or “There is no more pacifier - the wolves ate it” or “Don’t knock on the wall - it will fall on your nose” or, finally: “If you behave badly, I will give you to the gypsies”?

Up to a certain age, this technique is quite effective. Although he leaves the baby with an elusive feeling of being deceived, he amazes to such an extent that he no longer wants to be naughty in the next 10 minutes. The main disadvantage is that such amazing statements do not at all instill in the child any skills to adapt to the world, they do not teach him to behave a little more consciously, but only serve at a critical moment as something like a verbal gag.

Depreciation.

Many parents react to an unexpected “want” in this way: “Why do you need this worthless thing? She is not beautiful at all, yours are much better. The method is bad because you actually devalue not the toy, but the child's feelings. It seems to him (and not unreasonably) that this thing is beautiful, and you defiantly do not take this into account, confusing the child.

An outright lie.

For example: “The doll lives in the store. You can visit her, but you can’t take her home.” Even bypassing the “ethical moment”, one can say that such a lie, like any other, is bad because of its impracticality. It only works as long as you have the ability to maintain the illusion once created, shielding the child from the truth. At some point, the child will see a doll bought by another baby, or in some other way will penetrate the essence of commodity-money relations. And for the discovery, again, he will pay you with his distrust.

All these situations can be commented on simultaneously. Your child has the right to make his own choice, even if it is made on an emotional basis. If you can’t “get” the treasure you want, honestly explain why by trying to get as emotionally close to the little one as possible. Do not ignore the baby either directly or indirectly, respect his feelings. It is by taking seriously his desires that you teach your child to take seriously your refusal and your explanations, because they are no less weighty. If the child managed to outguess you, you have no choice but to buy him the desired toy!

Are you red or white?

Of course, a happy child should grow up in an atmosphere of universal love, friendship and mutual understanding. Of course, mom and dad should always be in solidarity in any matter. And there is no doubt that dad loves his mother-in-law, and mom and second grandmother are best friends. And what if this is not entirely true?

Every family goes through relationship crises. And any relationship between loving people is not cloudless. And also - almost every family has its chronically painful points, its secrets, its "skeletons in the closet." It is very important to what extent the child is involved in the dark sides of life at home. It is also important when and how education is provided. Here, as elsewhere, a delicate balance must be maintained.

One extreme: humanely "turn off" the child from all family problems. Another: to "bring down" everything in detail on his head, and even - to wait for conscious participation. In the first case, you deprive the baby of the opportunity to relate to reality in a certain way. He has a distorted reality at his disposal and feels based on it. (In addition, whatever one may say, every day brings him closer to an unpleasant discovery, which he is not ready to accept.) In the second case, you loosen the structure of family roles: by expecting the baby to participate “on an equal footing” in a family problem, you deprive him of the ground under his feet . Small children should not support their parents, protect and comfort them. Everything should be exactly the opposite.

If you, having quarreled with your husband, haven’t talked to him for 3 days, is it reasonable to tell him that you have a headache when asked by a child? The kid will decide that loving people, referring to a migraine, can easily ignore each other for days on end. If you can’t make contact with your mother-in-law, is it right to assure your child that your grandmother is a sweet person and you are in love with her without memory? In the first case, it is much better to say: “Yes, we quarreled with dad, and I am very upset,” and in the second: “Yes, my grandmother and I are too different to understand each other. It will be better for both of us if we see each other as little as possible.” There is no crime in such words. A child more than once in his life will face the fact that his loved ones quarrel, and that some people are generally incompatible with each other. It is much worse if a child grows up in an atmosphere of hypocrisy.

"Main question".

While the baby, sitting on the floor, enthusiastically collects Nikitin's squares, any mother feels like she is keeping up with the times. Of course, - she reflects, - it would never occur to her, answering the question “about this”, to remember a stork, a store or a cabbage! And, of course, she will never react with something like “Small yet” or “Shame on you!” But how will she react?

The question “Where do children come from?”, as a rule, arises a little earlier than the question “How do they get there?”. And despite the fact that quite recently we have entered the even more enlightened twenty-first century from the enlightened twentieth century, for many parents the conversation may still come as a surprise. And if question No. 1 still manages to be answered evasively, then question No. 2 is no longer possible.

There is a category of mothers who, in an attempt to get away from the topic, are ready to go far enough: they agree to offer the child absolutely unnatural “childbearing hypotheses”, if only not to tell the truth. So, a child may hear that children are “bought in a special supermarket” or “born from the navel”. Most recently, I heard with my own ears the dialogue of an infantile mother with an adult daughter beyond her years. A six-year-old girl asked "why women have children", and her mother replied: "After the wedding." Ignoring the obvious illogicality of her mother's reaction, the girl went straight to the heart of the matter. She said, “Mom. But a wedding is a convention!

It is a mistake to think that bees, drones, stamens and pistils will help you in the “decisive battle”. If you are not a biologist, on the contrary, this will only confuse both you and the child more. It is enough that, contrary to the stereotype, the pistil of a flower is a female genital organ, but the stamen is just a male. As for the bees, it is still more difficult with them. If you are expecting a new baby, you have a wonderful opportunity to visually enlighten the child. No need to compare yourself with a kangaroo: the child will firmly believe that people are marsupials, and one day he will demand that you put your noisy sister or brother back in your pocket. It will be much better if you just let the firstborn listen to the younger baby pushing and tell something about intrauterine development in an accessible way.

Meanwhile, the very first conversation “about it” does not oblige you to anything. It is unlikely that the topic will be raised before the child is 3-4 years old, and at this age a generalized answer is quite enough, like the classic “From the mother’s stomach”. To prepare for a more detailed lecture, you have every right to take a time out.

The basic principle of conducting such conversations is to respond at a level consonant with the child, giving exactly as much information as he can now learn. You should not tell a two-year-old about either spermatogenesis or ovulation - this is just another option for a clever avoidance of conversation. It’s also rather ridiculous to tell a four-year-old that children are “given by God”: even if you are deeply religious, it is worth considering that the baby had a completely different meaning. It is important every time to leave the little one with the feeling that he understood your explanations.

The second indispensable condition: these explanations must be truthful. Then the new information that the child will ask you later, every time, like a nesting doll, will contain the old, without causing contradictions. If after each “educational conversation” questions disappear for a while, then you are doing a good job. If the kid continues to exaggerate the topic from different angles, it means that you underestimated him: he has already digested the food offered to his mind and is again hungry for knowledge.

If you have never interfered with natural curiosity, and have never undermined children's confidence by deviating from the truth, then the questions will logically follow one from the other. And in about a year and a half, the baby will ask you how the children "get into the mother's stomach." The Children's Sexual Encyclopedia is great to help you discuss the "technical" intricacies of a life-saving procedure. I would just like to note that a five-six-year-old naturalist who asks such a question is already quite ready to hear something not only about the physical closeness of a man and a woman, but also - for the first time to talk to you about what love is.

Where and where.

“Mom, will our violet wither in winter?” “Yes, but a new one will bloom in the spring.” - “And this one, what is the end of?” “All living things come to an end.” "I don't want to be finished." “You will never die, you will live forever.”

Uninformed dialogue.

Psychologists have long been interested in the question: at what age do children begin to be occupied with the problem of life and death. Numerous serious studies have shown that the notorious Freudian question "Whence?" worries the child much less than the question "Where?", and for the first time this happens much earlier than is commonly believed. Three-year-old children already quite seriously ask their relatives: “When do people die?”, “What happens to people after death?”, “And you, mommy, will you die?” or: "And I - too?". It has been observed that parents tend to "not notice" the non-childish problems of their children, even if this requires great effort from them.

Psychoanalyst Irvin Yalom described David, an ordinary boy of one and a half years. David had recently learned to walk and was eager to grab and explore everything he could get his hands on. One day he found a dead bird in the yard. According to the parents, the boy looked stunned and did not try to touch her. Then he gestured for her mother to put her on a tree branch. When the bird flew down from there, not up, David was ready to cry and demanded to return the bird back.

You, for sure, vaccinate your child in a timely manner, and it does not occur to you to wait until he acquires natural immunity after having had tetanus. The way of conducting such conversations should be reminiscent of preventive vaccination: a little bit of the truth, in accordance with age. The task of adults is not to protect the child from the inevitable meeting with the truth, but to give information in a dosed manner and help to process it. Otherwise, the truth will one day “fall on the child’s head” in full, and this will be excessive stress for him. What should and should not be said is a separate issue, but in any case, we must understand why we choose one or another version of education on the topic of death. For whose benefit is this choice made - the child or the parent? Maybe, claiming that you are protecting the baby from premature trauma, in fact, you are just avoiding an unpleasant conversation?

The child is most frightened not by an exhaustive answer to the question, no matter how sad it may sound, but by the unknown and parental confusion. It may seem to parents that, "not noticing" children's worries and cheerfully reacting "off topic", they convey to the baby their faith in the best. In fact, the persistent unwillingness to delve into the proposed topic is felt not as support, but as ignorance and callousness. Each time "falling" into this void, the child begins to guess that this is one of your weak points. And instead of bravura confidence in an eternal happy life, the child plunges into a vague inexplicable fear of something so terrible that even all-powerful adults are afraid of.

Keep in mind that not knowing something, children make it up, and their speculation can be even scarier than the truth. Not having received an answer to his question, but assuming that there is an answer, the baby goes to look for him in another place. And there he most likely finds the ridiculous or creepy tales of other children about witches, vampires, the dead, forever lying in the cold earth awaiting resurrection, a black hand or a coffin on wheels.

To begin with, separate your own fear of death from the task of answering a child a specific question. And the first answer to it may sound schematic. “Dead means that person is no more and never will be.” Next - you make specifics as necessary and adjusted for age. From an atheistic standpoint, death is like eternal sleep, and this metaphor can be safely resorted to. To all questions like “Does he see us?”, “Does he hear?”, “Will he come again?” - you answer "no", no matter how much it hurts you. And if the baby cries, you console him not with stories about eternal life, but with kisses and hugs. If you wish, add that we need to remember the departed because they live in our thoughts and memories.

If you are religious, the perspective from which you invite your child to look at the real state of affairs will be somewhat different. But regardless of whether you use such concepts as "heaven", "hell" or "reincarnation" to help, you must remember that the child is asking you about this life. And this life after death in any case ends. Of course, our parental feeling rebels against the fact that the child to whom we have given life, directly declare that this life is finite. But if you try to deceive a child with a cheerful look, you are caught. Pretty soon the day will come when you will not only have to tell your little one that there is no eternal life, but you will also have to admit that you lied.

When we talk with our inquisitive child beyond our years, there is a great temptation to be a little cunning, slipping away from a difficult or unpleasant topic. But it is worth remembering that in the end you are only deceiving yourself. Yes, a two-year-old baby is still too small to independently separate the wheat from the chaff. He eats the “dish” served to him without even chewing. A three-year-old is already nervous when she feels a “strange vibration” coming from her mother, and then, if her mother is often insincere, she learns to tune out her conflicting feelings. And thus, it destroys its own spontaneity and insight in the rudiment. At the age of five, such a kid is a virtuoso of self-deception. He knows how to "believe" an obvious lie, and he himself does not always know when he is cunning, and when he is telling the truth. He still does not know that in important matters he almost does not trust either himself or his mother. It turns out that momentary convenience was bought many times on credit, and now everyone is forced to pay with interest.

Other publications on the topic of this article:

"Mom, you're bad" - 5 ways to react Moms, having heard such statements, are most often very scared and begin to swear. Some even punish the child for such words by putting them in a corner or depriving them of sweets and the TV. For mom, this is a disaster. In their opinion, the child has now done almost the worst thing in his life - insulted his own mother!

But such statements from the lips of a teenager and a preschool child are filled with completely different content. And it is unlikely that the baby puts into these words the very meaning that, in the opinion of his mother, is contained in them. But let's leave adolescence to school psychologists, and we ourselves will pay attention to our preschool baby.

In fact, there may be a dozen reasons that prompted the child to say this.

Perhaps now he is trying to tell you something very important, but he does not know or does not know how to do it. The only words he found to express his feelings is "Mom, you're bad!". Maybe he is asking for help or he is in pain; he has another stage in his development or a crisis of three, seven or more years; he set out to spend the evening with dad, and then you came home from work earlier; just wondering how you would react to something like that; the child could have heard such a statement on the street or in kindergarten, or did he want to do something important, and you interfered?

Remember one thing - such statements do not mean at all that the child does not love you and does not need you anymore. He just said something in the best way he could, or repeated what he had heard somewhere. In the first case, you need to understand his message, and in the second, you need to change yourself or smooth out the street consequences. Therefore, there are only two options for how not to react to such words - do not scold and do not punish.

And here are the ways how to respond correctly there may be several. First, exhale and, if you hear this for the first time, congratulate yourself on the fact that your relationship has a new round of development. If this is not the first time this has happened, then think about why and why the child is saying this.

In both cases, try to act in the following ways:

1. First, you can just say - “okay, clearly, I understand”, “okay, so be it” and keep doing your job. If the child tested you for strength, tried a new word, or expected some kind of violent reaction, he will be disappointed and, most likely, will not want to say that again. In general, calmness is one of the most correct options for responding not only to such, but also to other “unusual” statements.

2. Calmly ask with an interested (!) voice that does not break into hysterics: “Why am I bad?”, “Why do you think so?” It is very likely that the baby will answer your question himself, explaining the reason for his anger - I want candy, I want to play and I don’t want to sleep!

3. Help him understand himself: “Are you offended? Angry? You wanted, and I made you clean up the toys?”, “Did you want to be with dad?” In this case, try to explain to the child why he cannot continue to do what he likes, but be sure to tell him when he can return to it or offer an alternative. For example: “We need to go to the store, otherwise we will all be hungry, let me read to you or will you watch another cartoon in the evening when we return?” “Dad needs to go on business, but when he returns, he will play with you again.” Is it worth adding that one's promise must be kept?

4. Show empathy: "Yes, I know what you mean! I also said that to my mother as a child”, “And I would be upset if they called me home from the street so early”, “I can imagine how angry you are.” It would seem a trifle, but children also need sympathy and understanding.

5. Talk about love. It often helps if you add “I love you anyway” at the end of your statement. Or say it instead of all of the above. Sometimes it works flawlessly.

Olesya Garanina

educational psychologist

The last point, but no less important - think about it. Pay attention to yourself, your speech, the way you talk within the family, communicate with your parents. Try to analyze in what situations the child says this, what he reacts to in a similar way. Perhaps you will understand what's going on.

If such statements are repeated very often, and you have ruled out the negative influence of the street and your family doesn’t talk like that for sure, think about the fact that perhaps the child has something difficult for him, which he cannot cope with, and in order to understand what it is, you need to seek help from a specialist.

Don't be intimidated by statements like this. Use them as a signal to think about what's going on. Now, while the child is small, it is much easier to build a trusting relationship with him and fix something than to wait for him to grow up and the scale of the “catastrophe” will grow with him.