Why you can't put your baby to sleep with you. How to wean a child from sleeping with his parents - detailed instructions for parents

20.10.2019 -

So, how to teach a child to sleep separately from his parents? Experts offer several effective tactics for permission this issue. In any case, the process should proceed gradually. The actions of adults will be determined by the characteristics of the baby and his age. It is believed that the best moment for such relocation is the so-called “crisis of independence”, which occurs at 2-3 years. After all, it is at this stage of development that the phrase “I myself” is increasingly heard from the child.

To wean or not to wean

Most mothers allow co-sleeping with the child from the moment of birth, as this simplifies caring for him. A woman will not have to get out of bed several times a night - she can feed the baby lying next to her on demand.

Many people notice that the baby sleeps with his mother more calmly and longer. But, as time passes, the little man will still have to learn independence, including sleeping in his own crib. Then certain difficulties begin.

Adults should decide in advance for themselves the dilemma - to wean the child from this habit in the future, or simply not to accustom him to co-sleeping in the first place. Each of these paths is not easy and requires a serious investment of time and effort.

Advantages and disadvantages of co-sleeping

To decide, it is worth putting the child to bed with his parents in early age or not, you need to weigh all the advantages and disadvantages. The decision must be made individually.

The benefits of sleeping with your mother are:

Simplification of control and care of the baby;
When breastfeeding, lactation is optimized due to regular emptying of the mammary glands;
Close emotional contact between mother and child is maintained;
The baby is more likely to calm down, feel safe, comfortable, calm;
Both parent and child get good sleep.

Of course, the baby, who for nine long months before his birth felt his mother’s constant presence and heard her heartbeat, will feel comfortable in parent's bed. But along with many advantages, experts also name several disadvantages of co-sleeping, including:

Risk of accidentally crushing the baby;
Possible transmission of viruses and infections from adults to children;
Defective sex life from parents, which has a bad effect on the relationship between spouses.

It is considered quite normal for a baby to stay in an adult bed at night. But for an over-aged child this is extremely undesirable. When is the best time to start weaning, and how to do it?

Moving to a crib

To teach a child to independent sleep, parents, along with thoughtful and consistent actions, will need a reserve of patience.

Child psychologists say that withdrawal is an individual process. If in one case the whims take only a few days, then in another the tantrums can last for weeks. One way or another, you should under no circumstances give in to provocations. As soon as the little man senses the weakness of the adults, he will begin to actively manipulate them and try to achieve what he wants through starvation.

The process must be gradual. At first, you can simply place the crib close to the mother’s sleeping place, even remove one of its walls. The baby will be in close proximity to his parents, but still in his place. After some time, a rearrangement is made in the room, the bed is moved to the far corner.

At this stage, adults will have to be patient when putting the baby down. You can sit with him until he falls asleep. When crying, it is only allowed to take the child in your arms for a while, talk to him, calm him down, but then put him back in the same place. Often, to complete the process, firmness and determination, calmness and prudence are needed.

How older child, the more difficult it is to wean him from his parents’ bed. The situation is further complicated if a younger family member is born, who is still allowed to sleep with adults, and the older one is excommunicated from such a privilege.

Moving a child into his own bed is a significant change in his life. It is recommended to start it when other difficulties, such as accustoming kindergarten, the appearance of a sister or brother, and others, are missing.

To simplify the long and difficult process, it is recommended:

Ensuring comfortable sleep;
Encouraging independence;
Gradual resettlement;
A conversation between a child and an authoritative relative or acquaintance;
Quiet activities before bed;
Transforming the move into a real holiday, event.

Of course, going to bed will be simplified by rituals and traditions. It is important to follow the usual sequence of actions.

Accustoming your baby to sleep separately is not easy, but with some persistence you can achieve the desired result in a few weeks. You should not delay relocation - co-sleeping with a grown-up child over 4-5 years old has a negative impact on his mental development.

In any case, it is important to take feelings into account little man to choose appropriate tactics in weaning him from the common bed. Then the process will go as quickly and comfortably as possible for each family member.

Many mothers are extremely worried about the question: is it worth taking the child into your own bed or is it better for him to sleep separately? This question is really very important. Woman's Day found out from a psychologist what the pros and cons of both sleep options are.

Photo Getty images

Children usually end up in their parents' bed for several reasons.

First, parents of a restless child often have to get up to go to the nursery and soothe their awakened baby. They end up taking him with them so they know the baby is okay and feels safe.

Secondly, many children are afraid to be alone and always try to stay with their parents at night.

So is it possible to sleep with your child? If yes, up to what age?

Elena Nikolaeva, medical psychologist:

If we talk about babies, then it’s convenient for mommy to sleep next to her. Yes, babies need to co-sleep to get enough maternal warmth in the first months of life. The woman herself is designed in such a way that the maximum concentrations of prolactin, the hormone that leads to milk production, are formed in her body at night while the baby is sucking. And physical contact with the baby only stimulates these processes.

It is impossible to overestimate the fact that at night the mother will not have to jump out of bed to see the baby, she will get better sleep, which means she will feel better and be less irritable, which will immediately affect the baby.

If it is not possible to sleep nearby, then it is worth placing the crib as close as possible so that the child can hear the mother’s breathing, feel her smell, and her heartbeat. Once the baby is 6 months old, he can be placed separately. Even you need your own personal space small child for the formation of full-fledged individuality and independence. The baby should have his own crib from the first days of life, even if he still sleeps with his mother.

The best age for getting used to sleeping separately is closer to 2 years. The fact is that by this time the child has already separated himself from his parents and is slowly beginning to strive for independence. In addition, it is advisable to have time to transfer the child to a separate crib before he starts going to kindergarten. Having gotten used to sleeping separately, the baby can more easily adapt to kindergarten.

If you haven’t managed to teach your child to sleep separately, you shouldn’t move him to bed at the moment when he just starts attending kindergarten. Both events are stressful for the baby.

Until about 4-5 years of age, there are times when a child needs to sleep with his parents (the child is sick, fears, restless night sleep, frequent awakenings), but this should not be permanent. You can put your child to bed with you, then, when he falls asleep, transfer him to a crib or allow him to lie down with adults in the morning. It is not recommended to sleep with your parents all night.

There is an opinion that co-sleeping with parents deprives the child of the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on his own, and this is an important skill that is necessary in a child’s life. Mothers who are overly worried about their baby, do not let go of themselves, are overprotective, constantly feel anxious, can instill a feeling of anxiety in the child, and he needs to learn to cope with difficulties and fears on his own. Having your own crib, where it’s safe, cozy and your parents are nearby, creates such an experience. Under no circumstances should it become a place where the child is punished: “If you don’t obey, you’ll go to bed!”

Photo Getty images

If the child school age is still sleeping with his mother, which means that not everything is in order in the parents’ relationship. After all, bed is intimate area for two. If there is agreement in the family, then the parents agree that the child sleeps only in his own crib and follow this rule. If an old enough child sleeps with one of the parents, the other may feel rejected, which can lead to discord in the family. In this case, it is necessary to explain to the child that parents are two halves and they should sleep together, and when the child grows up, he will also meet his soul mate.

Co-sleeping with other family members - a grandparent, brother or sister - can also be a problem because the child also has his own sexuality. It is not the same as in adults, and it has to develop into a full-fledged one with age, and sharing sleep with adults or other children can unnecessarily stimulate this process.

How to wean a child from sleeping with his parents? For young families, this question is relevant even when the child is one, three, or five years old - it all depends on what was instilled from the cradle.

It’s clear that it’s more comfortable to rest with your baby in the same bed for up to six months - it’s easier to feed both natural and breastfeeding.

The child feels the usual maternal warmth, sleeps better, and the woman’s sleep lengthens.

However, the one who has to suffer in this situation is the father, who was not prepared for this.

We are figuring out whether it is possible to let the child into the parent’s bed and when to send him to his room. And, of course, how to do it.

What are the good and bad things about co-sleeping?

First of all, it is beneficial, as I already said, for the mother - the woman has an increased chance of regaining her strength.

Plus, close contact with the baby increases lactation, makes it easier, and the baby grows stress-resistant and less susceptible to phobias and fears.

Until at least 12 months, the mother has to get up five times a night - to feed, to respond to restless sleep or scream.

Feeling the warm breath nearby, the child sleeps more soundly.

But the habit of constantly being in your parents’ bed, alas, can turn against you.

Then moms and dads start to think, how to wean your child from sleeping with them.

For most parents, this happens when the baby reaches 1 year. This age is considered suitable not only for starting separate sleep, but also for moving to a separate room.

It is more convenient for a nursing mother to sleep with her baby up to six months

While psychologists and pediatricians are arguing whether it is worthwhile to practice co-sleeping at all, another common problem is that the baby comes to the parents’ room at two years old and older.

And how, one wonders, do you wean a child from sleeping with his parents at the age of 6? if evenings turn into a nightmarish struggle with whims and attempts to calm down a hysterical bundle of nerves?

Most often, these attempts end in failure for the parents; the child goes to bed with them and still wakes up in the middle of the night to check if mom is nearby.

The reason for what is happening may well be hyperactivity, which Life Reactor discussed in detail.

How such a dream can turn out for a growing organism:

In the future, the habit risks developing into chronic insomnia and causing psychological problems, incl. excessive attachment to mother. Both boys and girls suffer from it equally.
The person will grow up to be dependent. A child’s own room, bed, table, books - everything that is commonly called “personal space” is vitally important for a child. This is how character is laid and formed.
About full intimate relationships, sound sleep parents will have to forget, and this spoils the atmosphere in the family. I will also mention that after giving birth, women become absorbed in the problems of their children, forgetting about attention to their spouse.

It is recommended to gradually teach your child to sleep on his own.

So, we have already found out that it is necessary to wean a child from co-sleeping.

All that remains is to find out how to do this, what to do at each age - from one to six years, the character of a child can change literally every day.

7 steps to stop your child from sleeping with his parents at 1, 2 and 3 years old

Be prepared that the process will take a long time - you can't just say: “Today you sleep in your room” and close the door.

Although many psychologists consider the most effective way to ignore hysterics, the most effective method is still the gradual method: there is a greater chance of maintaining nervous system you and the child.

Soft toys will help compensate for parental warmth

What to do:

Take care of separate sleep from the birth of your baby- even if he falls asleep exclusively in your bed, then transfer him to yours. During the day, the child should rest alone, so he will begin to understand where “his territory” is and where is “the territory of his parents.”
At two years old, the baby already realizes his independence. This is when the time of persuasion comes - start to convince him that he is so old that he can spend the night in his room. This trick is one of the most effective.
Soft toys will help preserve the feeling of warmth and your presence in the nursery. If you have made the final decision to keep your child out of your bedroom, buy him a soft toy that he can hug while he sleeps.
Do not leave the room immediately after covering your child with a blanket. Sit, read a book, wait until you fall asleep, and the process will be less painful.
If the tantrums are so severe that none of the methods work, Place the child's bed next to yours, move it away gradually, meter by meter, until you feel the right moment to move it to another room.
Get ready for your son or daughter to come running into your bedroom in the morning to say hello and warm up.- This is fine.
Be determined and patient- if your child constantly comes at night and asks to “take him in,” take him back to your bed without swearing, reproaches or accusations. Lie down next to me and calm me down.

Your child will definitely come running into your bedroom in the morning.

Perhaps the main problem lies not only in your relationship with your child, but also in general.

Advice: It is especially important to instill the habit of sleeping separately in children of the same age. It will be more difficult for two people to fit in a parent’s bed, and sleeping alone will not only cause waves of jealousy, but may result in the spoiled character of both children.

How to wean a child from sleeping with his parents at 4 years old?

This case, of course, should be classified as neglected and start with finding out the reasons.

Among them may be:

The usual children's “I want” and other manipulations- then you will have to act decisively to make it clear who runs the show in the family.
Fears- darkness, monsters under the bed, monsters in the closet, spiders. You must explain that there is no one to be afraid of, open the doors, look under the bed, showing that the baby is completely safe. In the beginning, you can leave the door of the room open so that the feelings of fear are minimal. But remember: the child should not witness your intimate relationship with your spouse.
Elementary fatigue- excessive TV watching before bed, for example. Keep this time to a minimum, read books to your child and play educational games. Replace cartoons with a relaxing walk in the park warm time of the year.

Evening entertainment should be calm

Alas, a similar situation can continue until the age of five or six, although during this period children literally dream of their own room.

A reasonable, persistent approach and a few parenting tricks will come to your aid.

7 ways to wean your child from sleeping with his parents at 4, 5 and 6 years old

Choose the right moment

Don’t turn moving to a separate room/bed into stress, be crafty in a good way: time it to coincide with an important event, the arrival of grandparents, the child himself, an important purchase.

For example, you finished renovating the nursery or bought a new bed/bed linen with your favorite characters.

Use authorities

Those same grandparents or people whose opinion the baby especially values should serve you well.

Then in response to the question: “Are you already so old that you probably sleep in your own bed?” he simply cannot answer “no.”

Parents also have the right to good rest

Make going to bed a ritual

A splash in the bath, hot cocoa and cookies, a favorite book or story funny stories. Make sure your child waits for sleep to come.

Encourage success

Having slept separately a couple of times, the baby may feel that what is happening is contrary to his interests, and will again fall into whims.

Stimulate success with small joys: ask what toy your child wants to take to bed, what fairy tale to read to him, who will read it, mom or dad.

Show pride

Has your child been sleeping in his room for a week?

Take him to the cinema or the zoo as a reward, do not forget to praise him even for small achievements - in the future, these steps will help develop a balanced, calm character.

Advice: if your budget allows, buy a baby monitor. It is not only a fashionable toy, but also a way of communication. At any moment, while in his room, the baby will be able to ask for help or tell him what is bothering him. Children get used to changes more easily through play.

Sharing sleep with parents is appropriate for up to six months

Determination

If they said “no”, it means “no”, there can be no concessions.

By following the whims of children, you become controlled and nullify even the slightest achievements.

Explain, look for compromises

It is completely useless to shout at children and try to prove to them your, adult, point of view.

A child lives in his own world, and therefore understands only what happens at the level of his growth.

It is not an option to simply say: “You are punished.” Need maxiIt’s not easy to explain why you can’t, for example, relax with your dad.

A family sleeping together looks cute, but it’s better to practice such sleep during joint photo shoots

Finally, reduce activity before bed to a minimum. Contrary to the popular belief “if you've had enough time, you've fallen asleep,” excessive activity and overwork result in overexcitation of the nervous system.

The child becomes capricious, whiny, does not want to undress or take a bath on his own, so evening games should be calm and relaxing.

Remember: for a child to feel your love, there is no need to put him in his bed, surround him with excessive care, or sterilize his toys before his school desk.

Give him a chance to grow into an independent active personality with a nervous system.

To know, at the age of 2 to 5 years, young mothers and fathers will also benefit from the advice of the famous pediatrician Dr. Komarovsky:

The arrival of a child in a home is a long-awaited event. There he is lying next to you, yawning sweetly, fingering his tiny fingers and squinting. This means it's time to go to bed. A cozy crib has already been prepared for the child in the children's room or in the parent's bedroom. All that remains is to put him in this little nest and be touched by the sight of the sniffling baby. True, after a few hours the baby will have to be taken out of there to feed it. Then you will need to do it again and again - and so on all night long... Maybe you should just put the baby next to you? What if later? We will help you find answers to these questions.

Is there a sleep compatibility problem?

The problem of co-sleeping has long been the subject of heated debate between parents, psychologists and pediatricians. Everyone gives many arguments to defend their position, but there is still no clear opinion. However, as with any issue that concerns raising a child. Still, there are facts and comments from experts that will help you weigh the pros and cons, and then make your own decision.

What are the benefits of co-sleeping with your baby?

The first and main argument in favor of co-sleeping with your baby is the establishment of long-term and successful breastfeeding. Every child is naturally programmed to sleep with his mother and actively suckle at the breast at night. And a woman is designed in such a way that it is at night, when the baby suckles, that her body reaches the maximum level of prolactin, a hormone that promotes milk production. Tactile contact with the child stimulates all these processes. In addition, the mother will not have to periodically jump out of bed to run to the baby if they sleep together. As a result, the woman will feel better and become less irritable, and this will immediately affect the baby. Mothers who sleep with their children from the first days cannot even understand those who complain about lack of sleep, and often do not remember whether they woke up at all.

Sleeping together also helps regulate safety issues, although this may seem strange. Recent studies show that this reduces the risk of developing sudden infant death syndrome. When the baby lies next to his mother, his sleep becomes less deep and superficial. Opponents of co-sleeping see this as a disadvantage. However, for children under 6 months of age, shallow sleep is beneficial: it is easier to wake up and, accordingly, it is easier to “call for help”, to give a signal that something is wrong.

The presence of mother nearby generates mutual sensitivity and facilitates awakening. This is a protective measure in case of respiratory arrest. In addition, sleeping together creates a stable sense of security in the baby. This is how the baby grows confidence in the world around him, and most importantly, in his own mother. Often babies miss their mother's touch while they are awake. He can also receive the necessary affection while sleeping together. This will provide a grown-up child with favorable conditions

for feeding, because during the day the baby can play too much and seem to “forget” to eat. In the future, it is night feedings that allow the mother, for example, to go to work, or to be away for a long time, without worrying that her baby will not eat enough. If you still decide to sleep with your child, following rules

will help you overcome emerging fears and resolve doubts: Never
Do not place your baby near you if you have drunk alcohol or are under the influence of other stimulants. An altered state of consciousness will not allow you to help your child if he suddenly needs it.
If your baby is lying on an adult mattress, be sure to choose a firm model and place the baby on his back or side. According to the latest research, these are the safest positions for babies.
Pillows, bolsters, water mattresses, as well as the gap between the bed and the wall pose a potential threat to the baby in the parent's bed.
Your body heat provides extra warmth for your baby. To avoid overheating, use warm nightwear, bedspreads and blankets to a minimum.
Make sure that your baby can still sleep on his own, so that sleeping in a separate crib does not seem like a punishment to him.
Let your baby know that he can sleep with his mother and wait until he adjusts to this. In order to do so, it is worth talking to consultants on breastfeeding
Remember that sleeping with the baby should not create inconvenience for the mother.

The ideal situation is if the mother is resting while she sleeps with the baby. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll probably have to think about solving this issue.

Problems for children who sleep in their parents' bed

Co-sleeping with your baby solves many problems, but it also causes certain problems. According to some experts, this can cause sleep disorders in the baby. According to research, such disorders develop in 50% of children aged six months to 4 years sleeping in their parents' bed. At the same time, only 15% of babies who sleep separately are bothered by sleep problems. There is a hypothesis that if a child sleeps with his parents, he cannot learn to fall asleep on his own, and this is an important skill for independent living.

If a baby sleeps with his mother, he develops the habit of breastfeeding throughout the night. Some authors of parenting manuals claim that this can cause caries: with almost continuous feeding, milk is constantly present in the baby’s mouth, which destroys tooth enamel. This risk increases if the baby continues to breastfeed into the second year of life. The natural question is: should the baby’s teeth be brushed after feeding during the day? So, before adopting this argument, consult your pediatric dentist.

The pressing issue is the intimate relationships of parents. Even the presence of a child in the room imposes restrictions, let alone sleeping with the baby. This problem is not easy to deal with, but there is still a solution. For a while sexual relations You can put the baby in the crib. Another option is to go to another room.

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

Sleeping with a baby or even a small child is one thing. But how can you explain to a grown-up child, accustomed to his parents’ bed, that from now on he must move to his own separate crib?

If a child has been accustomed to sleeping with his mother since birth, then he should be weaned off this gradually, starting at the age of 1.5-2 years.

It’s good if the baby sleeps separately in the morning and afternoon. Therefore, it is worth getting a crib or cradle for your child. All people need personal space, including children, to develop individuality and independence skills. When it’s time for your baby to move completely into his crib, it can be turned into a beautiful and joyful celebration. In such an environment, the baby will appreciate the fact that he is acquiring his own “hearth of independence” as proof of the love and respect of those close to him.

There is room for compromise when it comes to sleeping together. For example, parents may well take their baby into their bed only occasionally: when the child is sick, has a nightmare, or in the morning or on a day off. A compromise option is to place the crib with the front panel removed close to the parents' bed. This way you won’t have to jump up when the baby cries - you can soothe and feed him without getting up. And the baby will not embarrass his parents while being on his own territory. Some people simply move the crib closer to their bed - this way they can touch the child at night, take him by the hand, and lull him to sleep.

To sleep together or not - how to make the right decision?

In Australia, scientists conducted a study on the behavior of babies and received interesting results. It turns out that babies themselves let their parents know how and where they want to sleep - you just need to take a closer look at their behavior and reactions. Australian scientists claim that all babies are divided into three types: some sleep better in a separate room, others need the presence of their parents, and others definitely need to be in their parents’ bed.

It is difficult to compare with anything the pleasure that parents receive from the fact that their baby is snoring sweetly next to them. Yet even those who sleep separately from their children can easily feel the spirit of family unity - all it takes is bringing the baby into your bed in the morning to feed him or play with him.

In any case, it is important for parents to decide on a place for their child to sleep during the first year of his life. The baby will be able to adapt to sleeping alone or with his parents. However, once this habit is formed, it will be much more difficult to change it.