Emotions drive behavior. How to learn to restrain emotions - advice from a psychologist, practical recommendations

22.12.2019 -

Hi all! My dear friends! What we will talk about today concerns everyone. And I also know for sure that we all remember many cases, funny and sad, when we could use a “nudge” from a friend with the words: “Come to your senses! They are looking at you. Think about the consequences! You will regret it, but it will be too late!” Therefore, speaking as a friend, I want to raise the topic: how to manage feelings and emotions. And I hope this conversation will help you. And it will help on time. I really look forward to your help! Talk to me, leave your comments, discover the secrets of your peace of mind! And thank you so much for your concern!

I don’t think anyone needs to say that you need to learn to control yourself and your emotions. Everyone already understands this. When we look at a restrained person, he seems to be in control of himself and in control of the situation. He is more confident, his calmness inspires respect. They trust him more. You know, I’m saying all this with only one purpose - to motivate you, and at the same time myself, to develop the qualities of a personality capable of managing or moderating your emotions.

I didn’t use the word “moderate” by accident. Because I want to call again! Love yourself! Love as you are! Don’t expose your entire personality to hygiene and plastic surgery! Learn to accept everything from yourself without demanding perfection! The differences between people do not give clear rules about what a person should be. So don’t change yourself! Just control it. And yours will help you with this strengths and the ability to respect yourself.

Therefore, I will divide the topic into parts:

Where to get the strength to change;
What are the effective ways to control yourself?
Help your kids.

And each part will help us to fully understand the topic.

What will help us like ourselves?

I have already clearly shown how much we all need motivation. What helps you personally to want to see yourself in better light? Maybe you notice how your little ones repeat everything after you, and in them, like in a mirror, your behavior and your excessive emotionality are reflected? Or do you yourself suffer when faced with negative consequences your ardor?

Change! But how? Not through reproaches and oppression. So, any pressure on one’s own personality and one’s sense of shame carries a bitter connotation. And this makes it difficult to work on yourself, and hence the reluctance to change and breakdowns.

Try to find what you like about yourself and cultivate it. Think right now, is there anything you are happy with? Perhaps it is your attention to people, the ability to love and respect, gratitude. All these qualities give rise to positive feelings. And they deserve to remain in your life.

You just need to learn to turn your disadvantages into advantages. As if, there is nothing wrong with emotions. They help you enjoy life and enjoy the moment, they give you the strength to remain caring. And excessive temper spoils your spiritual beauty and your peace in your heart and head.

Friends, you will want to improve yourself, remembering that you DESERVE the best!!! And let this be what drives your progress!

Let's try to become moderators of our own feelings

Oh, how often I say, justifying my outbursts: “I’m emotional! This is my temperament. Is it my fault that I’m hot and not indifferent to everything?” But does this attitude towards the problem make me better or happier? When I thought about this, I urgently began to look for options on how to control my temperament and nature. I'll share:

A release of emotions is needed. Shoot at a shooting range, run 20 km, sing karaoke, devote your energy to screaming, getting tired, and simply not wanting anything anymore, but to be happy with yourself and what is happening to you.
Tell me how you feel. If you are still tormented by the situation, share your feelings with a friend. Or, if the situation concerns another person, honestly admit how painful and difficult it is for you. Ask him to help you live in peace with him and with yourself.
You start to get nervous and want to change something? Learn to change yourself and your attitude towards the situation. Sometimes, this is the only and last thing in our power. For example, did someone hurt you? Will outbursts of anger change anything? Maybe it's better to ignore people's sarcasm? And move on without lowering your proud head?
Have a goal to resolve rather than escalate the conflict. If you want to make an enemy, then go ahead! Spray yourself in emotions and suffer from feelings. But, as the Bible says: “A bad peace is better than a good quarrel.” Appreciate being in good relations with everyone, although sometimes this requires a step-by-step solution.
Value yourself above not people, but quarrels and misunderstandings. What is more important to you? To defend rightness and justice, as you see it with your own eyes? Or is it the right of people to be special?
You always need to understand WHY, what is the cause of the outbreak. This will help solve the problem now and prevent it from happening in the future.
Breathing exercises, water treatments, gymnastics and even the feeling of hunger can influence your emotional state. All this has a positive effect on strengthening the nerves, and, accordingly, on our peace of mind.
Leave. Leave it. Don't try to do anything if you can't be heard and nothing changes.
Fill yourself with good feelings. This will help you be calmer and find lasting joy. Read good books, watch beautiful films, visit exhibitions, go to visit those friends who understand and love you. Remember the Japanese method of relaxation: park and calm. After all, even with the help of the color of fresh green grass you can remove the negative.
Remember your sense of humor. It helps in any situation.
Rest. Sound sleep and a walk! Here's what you need to do for yourself and your balance.

I won’t say that this is all and always works. Therefore, there are many “recipes” for management and moderation. You can find what suits you best, or you can act comprehensively. But there is one more aspect that is useful for all mothers and fathers to think about. Our children and their education of feelings and emotions.

1. Emotional intelligence. Why it may matter more than IQ. Daniel Goleman

The book may be of interest both to people who want to engage in introspection or improve self-control, and to those who want to understand the people around them and better build contacts with them.

2. Brain Plasticity: The amazing facts about how thoughts can change the structure and function of our brain. Author Norman Doidge

A wonderful book about how to develop your brain. It overturns many ideas about the brain that exist in our society. What is said in it inspires optimism and a thirst for development, pushes you to new decisions and changes in your life.
Audio book Online book On paper

3. Richard Davidson's book “How Emotions Control the Brain.”

When asked what the book was about, he gave 6 emotional styles as areas that develop people's ability to manage their feelings. Very useful publication!

How to teach a child to manage his emotions

Parent! Learn to be strong enough to teach your baby to be calmer through your own visual behavior. Sometimes we are right when a spark flares up in us and we begin to make fiery speeches, such as: “how could he?!”, “This is not fair!”, “This is impossible!” That’s right, you can’t teach a child to be calm if, like a match, we flare up in the air. How will a child know whether it is possible to manage emotions if he sees us in anger more often than thinking about a compromise way out of the situation?

Children are sponges! We all know this. But do we understand? Do we understand that we grow our personality through our own actions? Today we did this, tomorrow he will! The only problem is that we also scold him, lecture him with words and shame him. And for what? I repeat, he is a sponge! He has only what he has absorbed, learning from our example.

If it seems that it’s too late, “it’s grown up, it’s grown up,” then I, like Baba Yaga, am AGAINST! You still have time to change something. Talk to your baby and carry out all the procedures that I wrote about above together. Try to tell and explain clearly, in his language, that in any situation there are 2 positions: his and the other person. And he may be right in his own way. Such training will direct the little one to see more deeply, and therefore to react more correctly to everything.

My dears. Favorite topic, always has something to say. But it's time to listen. I would love to be an ear to hear” your comments and your point of view! Therefore, be always there, subscribe to the news, talk about our conversations with your friends and contribute to our common cause, so that we all become better and wiser! Bye bye!

How to learn to manage your emotions? It often happens that we do not need the emotions that arise at the moment or that we need completely different ones. We try with all our might to switch to something else, breathe deeply, and analyze our state. This is correct, but ineffective, especially in emergency situations. Therefore, you need to develop emotion management in yourself. For this purpose, special exercises have been created, used in trainings and described in books on psychology.

And the emotional state is visible to everyone, since it is expressed by the body. When you are sad, your shoulders are hunched, your head is down, and your breathing is slow and heavy. But remember what gestures and facial expressions are like when you are happy: shoulders are straightened, chin is raised, chest forward, breathing is even, and there is a smile on your face. Repeat these actions, and then your state of mind. All processes of the body, physical and mental, are interconnected. Practice at home in front of the mirror and feel this effect.

B It happens that one thought is spinning in your head like a broken record. It interferes with your life, spoils your mood and drives you into a corner morally. It could be someone's harsh words or an imaginary conversation with someone you're afraid to talk to. In this case, try to make the voices seem childish and squeaky so that they are not taken so seriously. Parody them in front of the mirror to make it funny. Another way to get rid of inner voices is to turn on music, but not in reality, but mentally.

In See the world through the eyes of a comedian: describe a situation that brought you out of emotional balance, like a joke. Even better, write it down on paper or tell it to a loved one. At first it may seem that this method will not help, but rest assured, you can find the bright side in any situation!

D If you feel that on a psychological level you cannot complete some task (it seems too boring or difficult), then turn on your imagination. Imagine that this is not a heavy burden, but a most exciting activity that will bear fruit. Or give yourself a reward for doing this work.

All exercises are simple but effective. They are a kind of support for managing emotions, because they have one principle - internal switching from one state to another. Imagine that the brain is like a computer, the processes of which are under your control. Over time, it will become easier to cope with feelings.

Books on developing the skill of managing emotions

E.P. Ilyin “Emotions and feelings.” Before getting acquainted with managing emotions, first find out what emotions are, what they are, where they come from and how they are expressed at the level of psychology and physiology. This book will tell you about this.
Paul Ekman “The Psychology of Emotions. I know how you feel." The book will teach you to recognize emotions in yourself and other people, evaluate and adjust them accordingly. early stages manifestations. It is based on reflections personal experience and the author's research.
Ruslan Zhukovets “How to tame emotions. Self-control techniques from a professional psychologist.” This book is more serious, because it talks about what processes occur in the body during the experience of emotions: why and how negative emotions spoil our health. In addition, it will show you how to get rid of excessive emotionality.
Nina Rubshtein “Emotion management training.” It contains exercises to control emotions and many useful information about their occurrence. The book exists only in electronic form.
Sandra Ingerman, “Releasing Unpleasant Thoughts and Emotions.” The book has many positive reviews because it describes specific techniques for controlling emotions. As the author emphasizes, what is written will be useful to those who are interested in psychology and spiritual development, and also want to be healthy and happy.

Those who want to be less emotional should turn to printed sources, video resources and presentations. These could be paid trainings, seminars, or free videos on YouTube. To improve the effect, it is worth attending such events live, because there is an opportunity to discuss an exciting problem with other training participants and ask questions to the presenter.

How to keep emotions under control when speaking in public: literature, advice, trainings

Managing emotions is much easier when everything happens at the everyday level. But when you conduct training in front of dozens of people, managing emotions comes to naught. Before a performance, inexperienced speakers develop a fear of failure, which manifests itself unpredictably on stage. Therefore, learn to keep yourself under control and apply the acquired knowledge in practice.

Literature on managing emotions:

Radislav Gandapas "Kama Sutra for the speaker." This is a reference book for those who want to be or are already a professional speaker. It is small in volume, but contains a lot of useful information about the process of preparing for a performance and overcoming fear and anxiety. Be sure to read the author's other books and attend or watch online trainings. There is a large selection, so they are useful for speakers and those who want to be a leader and entrepreneur.
George Kohlrieser "Rescuing the Hostage. How to manage emotions, influence people and resolve conflicts. Practical advice experienced negotiator." This book was created for those who do not want to be hostage to their own thoughts and other people; who wants to understand personal psychology, as well as learn how to control themselves during negotiations and presentations.
Dale Carnegie: How to Build Confidence and Influence People by Speaking in Public. Classic book on psychology public speaking. She will teach you to be confident on stage, but less emotional. Recommendations from here are used in public speaking training.

1 Don't be afraid to make mistakes. This fear prevents novice speakers from going on stage. Remember that professional training facilitators also made mistakes, but this did not in the least prevent them from achieving success. Give an answer to the question: “What happens if I make a mistake?” Most likely nothing.

2 Don't dwell on failure. If you think about bad developments, this will happen. Therefore, present the performance only in at its best. After all, if you constantly replay in your head how you stutter and your listeners laugh, your performance will decrease. This means that the preparation process will be for you ordeal, like the performance itself.

3 Don't use stimulants. Coffee, alcohol and sedatives will not help you calm down. On the contrary, you will become inhibited. Get better sleep before the event.

4 Think about appearance. Be sure to put yourself in order: do your hair, put on makeup appropriately (if you are a girl), wear clothes appropriate for the occasion. Clothing should be fashionable, comfortable and not shocking. Consider the reaction of the general public, because clothing that is “normal” for you may cause confusion among others. Girls don't need to go wrong with jewelry. It is better to choose an accessory that suits the occasion in advance, rather than wearing everything. Such simple preparations will increase self-confidence.

5 Forget about the past. If you have experience of unsuccessful performance, you should not think that every training will go the same way. Learn from your mistakes, improve and move on. With experience, such problems will become less common. .

It's not bad to be an emotional person if you experience positive emotions. But if you feel anger, fear, despondency and cannot get rid of them, change. Negative emotions harm mental and physical health. Try it, it’s easier to do than it seems at first glance. Do the exercises, read useful books, attend trainings, and you will definitely succeed!

This amazing source will give you the greatest energy for a quick breakthrough to success and self-realization when you learn to manage it using this method...

Emotion is reaction systems on their assessment of the importance of influence for self-realization. If the influence is harmful and interferes with achieving the goal, then negative emotions arise. And if it is useful and allows or helps to achieve a goal, then positive emotions appear.

They can be called signals, notifying the system about a change in state in the past (memory), present (current situation) or future (imaginary situation). They motivate the system to act to maintain its integrity, development, success, harmony and self-realization.

Emotions, as basic motives, provide an initial impulse, a push that brings the system out of the state peace(calm). They inspire, motivate, give energy to perform actions and change their condition. They help make decisions, overcome obstacles and act until the goal is achieved.

Depending on the content of the emotion, the system receives different quantities energy, impulses of different strength. As a rule, positive emotions give more energy and last longer than negative ones (joy, happiness, enthusiasm...). And negative emotions can completely deprive you of energy, immobilize, paralyze (fear, confusion...), which can worsen the condition, especially in the presence of danger.

Emotions can become values, which the system will strive to consciously experience (become happier, have fun, admire...). Then they will begin to influence decisions, goals, actions and relationships. But each system has its own values, and an emotion that is valuable for one system may be completely indifferent for another.

For example, if happiness is a value for a person, then he can do anything in order to experience it. But another person may be indifferent to happiness, and do everything possible to feel, for example, surprise...

Emotions allow us to determine right decisions made regarding the values, purpose and talent of the system, which affects its self-realization. Negative emotions signal danger, deterioration and deviation from the path of self-realization. Positive emotions signal an improvement in one’s condition, approaching or achieving a goal, and correct movement along the path of self-realization. Therefore, it is important to be aware of your emotions, process them, and consciously regulate your activities when negative emotions or for the emergence of positive ones.

Many things depend on the definition and expression of emotions. quality systems: charisma, authority, persuasiveness, openness... They most influence interaction, relationships and team building.

Only by consciously and actively using emotions can you become an influential leader. His value, authority and credibility are highly dependent on the emotions he evokes in the entire team. Similarly for a company - the more vivid, positive emotions it evokes in the team and clients, the more valuable it becomes.

Concentrating emotions on relationships and motivation of partners, you can receive more resources from them and achieve more complex goals. Leaders who are sensitive to their own emotions and those of their team members create a more effective and creative work environment, which allows them to achieve greater success. Studies have shown that businessmen who are more emotional and attentive to other people's emotions earn more money.

It has been proven that in many cases emotions in to a greater extent determine thinking, activities and achievements than intellectual abilities. Decisions can be made not on the basis of logical reasoning, rationality, justification and evidence, but on the basis of the emotions that the expected outcome of this decision evokes.

For example, a person choosing a new car may buy it not for its characteristics, reliability, safety, price/quality ratio..., but for its color, comfortable seat, beautiful interior lighting... which evoke positive emotions in him.

Emotions are closely related to way of thinking and imagination. If in a situation you pay attention to its harmful consequences, then negative emotions will arise, and vice versa. And if you imagine a good situation leading to an improvement in your condition, then positive emotions will arise, and vice versa. Therefore, it is easier for a person who has good control of his intellect, thinking and imagination to control his emotions, stimulating some emotions in certain situations and suppressing others.

It is very important for teachers (educators, lecturers, trainers...) to be able to recognize and evaluate emotions when training other people, especially children, because They have poor awareness and management of their emotions.

The student's emotions and reactions allow the teacher to choose the most appropriate, correct teaching style and content of the experience being conveyed. This significantly affects the level trust between student and teacher. And trust affects the student’s commitment to the teacher and belief in the truth of the experience conveyed by him. This is the main factor in whether the student will apply this experience in his activities or not, which is the main goal of the learning process.

The emergence of emotions

Every emotion necessarily has source- an external or internal stimulus that has an impact on the system and changes its state. Such sources may be:
- material systems (things, objects, equipment, tools, people, animals, plants...)
- mental images (thoughts, ideas, memories...)
- conditions, situations, circumstances in the environment
- rules, processes, principles, laws, norms...
- values (freedom, harmony, comfort...)
- own state (facial expressions, body position, movements, voice...)

Most common emotions arise in the following cases:

When perceiving current conditions, which have an important impact on the system and shape the experience.

At remembering situations that caused emotions in the past. You can remember such a situation on your own, on purpose, or when you find yourself in a similar situation. Also, memories can arise when there are elements in the current situation that evocative with that situation. Moreover, emotions and internal processes can become similar to those that were experienced in the past situation: heart rate, breathing, blood pressure...

When modeling the situation in imagination, when you imagine conditions and processes that did not exist in reality, and evaluate their impact on your condition.

5. . Because emotions contain information about what has happened, is happening, or a possible change in state, then they can be used when making decisions. This will allow us to determine the most effective and successful path achieving goals. And by managing your own and other people’s emotions, you can form a certain behavior that will help you act in the right direction.

Goleman's model includes the following EI abilities:

1. personal (internal):

- self-awareness– the ability to determine and identify one’s state, emotions, personal resources, desires and goals;

- self-regulation– the ability to control and manage your emotions, with their help to change your personal state, make decisions and perform actions;

- motivation– emotional tension and concentration, helping to identify important goals and effectively achieve them;

2. social (external):

- empathy– awareness of the emotions and needs of other people, the ability to listen, and not just hear;

- social skills– the art of causing a certain reaction in others, managing the relationships and emotions of other people, organizing effective interaction...

This model is hierarchical, suggesting that some abilities are based on others. For example, self-awareness is necessary for self-regulation - it is impossible to manage your emotions without being able to identify them. And by knowing how to manage your emotions, you can easily motivate yourself and quickly move into the desired state...

Development of emotional intelligence

This increases sensitivity to your own and others’ emotions, allows you to manage them and motivate yourself to increase personal effectiveness and success.

The development of emotional intelligence is based on the following principles:
expand your comfort zone, get into new conditions in which new emotions may arise, for example, visit new places, travel...;
analyze and recognize these new emotions as soon as they arise;
repeat situations in which emotions arise in order to better determine their impact on activities, your reaction when they arise and try to manage them;
consciously stop negative emotions in known situations that cause them;
consciously arouse emotions in ordinary situations in which these emotions did not arise;
identify other people's emotions. To do this, you can study how emotions are expressed (for example, study the book by P. Ekman, W. Friesen “Know a Liar by Their Facial Expression”), or simply ask what a person feels when you assume that he has an emotion...
arouse emotions in other people. For example, with the help of stories, anecdotes, metaphors... You need to determine the correspondence between the impact and the emerging emotion, consciously repeat this impact so that the same emotion appears in different people.

For effective development emotional intelligence can be applied as follows: methods:

Education
At any age, in any field, at any time, it is important to continue your education and self-education. Moreover, the more expensive it is, the more professional and successful the teachers/trainers/mentors from whom you study, the greater the impact this training will have on all areas of life and on personal qualities, including EI. In this case, first of all, it is advisable to study the general sciences and humanities (philosophy, psychology, natural science, biology...) in order to better know the world and one’s place in it, including gaining knowledge about emotional processes. And after realizing yourself, your talent and purpose, choose a narrow area of development, your profession that corresponds to your vocation, and become a recognized expert in it.

Reading quality literature
For development in any field, it is extremely important to read books, practical guides, magazines, articles as much as possible... But even more important is to analyze and put into practice the information from them. It is also important to choose high-quality literature - popular, secular, news materials in the vast majority of cases do not affect development in any way, but only take up time and clog up the memory. Books and manuals written by professionals, recognized experts, have a completely different effect: they provide important, verified information, allow you to form personal principles, behavior, goals, expand your paradigm, but most importantly, they motivate you to start taking action. Therefore, to develop EI, it is important to choose quality books, for example, Daniel Goleman’s “Emotional Intelligence.”

Journaling
Self-analysis is one of the main abilities of EI. And the materialization of thoughts during self-analysis of one’s own and others’ emotions makes this process the most effective. In your diary, you can record any situations that caused emotions, describe your feelings, identify and classify emotions, and draw conclusions about how you could react in a similar situation next time. For convenient diary keeping, you can use the Personal Diaries service.

Development of qualities
It is possible to improve individual components of EI - qualities described in EI models, such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, etc. How to improve them is described in the method Development of personal qualities.

Trips
This is the most effective way expanding your comfort zone, because you find yourself in a completely new environment that you had never even imagined. And this can give the most powerful, vivid, new emotions that have never been heard of before. They can be learned to manage and use in the same, familiar conditions, which will give additional motivation and energy to carry out routine activities and achieve new goals. Travel can also lead to a change in value systems, which also changes emotions and their impact on activities. For example, having visited poor countries, you can begin to appreciate familiar things more: food, water, electricity, technology..., get more pleasure from using them, begin to use them more rationally, more economically.

Flexibility
When making decisions, you can use not only your experience and your point of view, but also take into account the opinions of those who may be affected by this decision and seek compromises. This will avoid the occurrence of negative emotions and, due to the environmental friendliness of the decision, can evoke positive emotions in everyone who participated in its adoption and implementation. The opposite of this approach is called rigidity, when you act only on the basis of your experience. Then there is a high probability that the solution will not be environmentally friendly and will cause unpredictable harm.

Communication
Very often emotions arise during normal communication. When communicating with new acquaintances or old friends on new topics, you can experience new emotions. By assessing and managing them during a conversation, you can significantly change its results. For example, during negotiations, if you lose your temper, you can lose potential clients or partners. And if you evoke strong positive emotions in your interlocutor, then you can get from him much more resources than expected, for example, more money from a sponsor.

Creation
Creating something new and unique guarantees positive emotions. And the creation of masterpieces, something that will be of interest, demand, for which others will be grateful - this is perhaps the main source of the strongest, positive emotions that a person can experience in his life. The more grandiose a creation you create, the more new and powerful emotions arise.

Victories, awards, success
New emotions often arise when achieving goals, participating in competitions, training for them, or even ordinary disputes. And the moment of victory and receiving a reward always excites strong positive emotions. And the more important the victory, the more difficult it was to achieve, the more resources spent on it and the greater the reward, the stronger the emotions arise.

All these methods create emotional experience, which is the foundation for managing emotions. Without this experience, it is impossible to consciously excite or inhibit emotions. It creates a clear picture of what emotions may arise in response to certain changes, how they can affect the state and activity, and what can be done to get rid of harmful and arouse useful emotions.

Developing emotional intelligence makes it possible motivate and convince other people at a deeper, value level than can be done with words and deeds. This significantly improves relationships, which accelerates the achievement of common goals and self-realization.

The ideal development of EI leads to the emergence emotional competence– the ability to recognize and manage any, even unknown, emotions in any conditions. It allows you to determine the impact of new, previously unexperienced emotions on your activities, even if you have never heard of them, and manage them. It also allows you to control emotions of any intensity, even the highest, and reduce or increase it to the desired level. It is also a protective barrier that prevents it from “exploding” and causing harm.

To determine the current level of development of your EI, you can use the following tests:
Emotional Development Quotient
Emotional Intelligence
Emotion Recognition
Attitude towards others

Because Since all emotional processes significantly influence the activity of the system, it is important to be able to manage these processes in order to improve one’s condition, develop, act effectively, successfully achieve goals and self-realization.

It boils down to the following basic processes:
- arousal of useful emotion, i.e. transition from a calm to an active state;
- extinguishing harmful emotions, i.e. transition from active to calm state;
- change in intensity of emotion.

These processes also apply to the system itself, i.e. management of personal emotions, and to other systems, i.e. managing other people's emotions.

Effective management of emotions is only possible when realize them, you can consciously determine the moment of their occurrence and correctly identify them. To do this, it is necessary to accumulate emotional experience, to repeatedly find yourself in situations that arouse a certain emotion. Without this, management can lead to an inadequate change in their intensity (for example, they wanted to extinguish an emotion, but on the contrary it intensified), it can be completely useless or even cause harm.

Plays an important role in managing emotions imagination. The better it is developed, the more realistic and large-scale images and situations it can create, in which emotions will be the most vivid and intense. You can improve your imagination with imagination training.

Also affects emotion management memory. The better it is developed and the more emotional experience, the more vivid memories you can get from it. You can improve your memory with memory training.

Because emotions are closely related to by will, then the stronger it is, the easier it is to manage emotions. Therefore, one of the ways to manage emotions is to develop will, perseverance and self-discipline. You can improve them using the Self-Discipline Training method.

When managing emotions, it is important to adhere to the following: principles:

If you are currently experiencing one emotion and want to arouse another, then you must first repay current, passing into a calm state, and only after that excite the necessary one.

It is necessary to consciously manage their external expression: facial expressions, movements of the arms, legs, the body as a whole, its position, gestures, voice... For example, for joy to arise, it is usually enough just to smile. To extinguish anger, you can freeze, sigh and make a normal, calm expression on your face.

For excitement emotions need incentives. They can be obtained through the following channels:

- visual: see the source of emotions (for example, a beautiful landscape), imagine it in your imagination, go to certain conditions, situations, watch a film, a painting...;

- auditory: other people’s and your own words, thoughts ( inner voice), voice volume, speech rate, music, sounds...;

- kinesthetic: facial expressions, movements and body position, gestures, breathing...

Congruent, the coordinated use of all these channels at the same time allows you to most quickly arouse even the strongest emotion. Moreover, for maximum efficiency, it is recommended to use them in the same sequence: visual (draw a picture in your mind), auditory (add words, music...) and then kinesthetic (make an appropriate facial expression, take a certain pose...)

For example, you can simultaneously imagine or remember a situation in which you experienced joy, turn on joyful music, say “I’m having fun, happy, cool,” and actively dance, then you can experience very strong joy, perhaps even delight.

But if, using all channels, in one of them, for example, kinesthetic, there will be controversial emotion (not congruent), then general condition may not change or even become the opposite of what is desired.

For example, if you want to experience joy, you imagine a picture, listen to music, but your body is very lethargic, your facial expression is sad, mournful or even angry, then negative emotions may arise, not positive ones.

Thus, to arouse a certain emotion, you can recall situation in which it arose in the past. Remember the details of what surrounded you, what actions you performed, what words and sounds you heard, what you felt in your body, what thoughts you had... If there is no experience of experiencing the necessary emotion or it is forgotten, then the emotion cannot be aroused in this way. Then you can consciously create the conditions in which this emotion can arise and gain the missing emotional experience.

Also, to arouse a certain emotion, you can introduce a visual image (picture) of a situation in which this emotion could arise in reality. In the absence of emotional experience, it is difficult to determine in which imaginary situation which emotion will arise. Then you need to accumulate this experience - move to new conditions, participate in new situations that can give new emotions. Having gained such experience, it will be possible to identify the basic elements of conditions and situations that arouse a certain emotion and use them in the imagination.

For example, if in many situations when joy arose, there was certain person or received a certain resource, then you can use similar elements in an imaginary situation and the emotion will arise again.

For arousing other people's emotions, you need to make sure that these same channels start working for another person. For example, so that he remembers a situation or imagines it. This can be done by using open-ended questions, stories or metaphors that will create a certain image in the person's mind or evoke memories.

For example, for a person to experience joy, you can ask him: “What was your happiest day in your life?” Or you can say: “Do you remember when you first found yourself at sea, do you remember how happy you were then...” Or: “Imagine that you are in the most heavenly place on earth, next to you are the people closest to you... How would you feel then?” Then the person will immediately have images and memories that will evoke emotions.

To repay emotion, you need to move to a calm state using the following methods:
- relax, stop moving, sit or lie down comfortably;
- focus on your breathing, start breathing slower and deeper, hold it for a few seconds after inhaling...;
- change your voice, reduce its volume, speak more slowly, or stop speaking altogether for a short period;
- imagine or remember a situation in which you experience maximum safety, comfort, coziness, warmth.

To extinguish other people's emotions, you can ask to perform these actions (in no case should you be forced, unless, of course, it comes to the point of passion with harmful consequences). For example, you can say in a calm voice: “Calm down, take a deep breath, sit down, drink some water...”. If a person does not want to calm down, then you can try to switch his attention. For example, again, you can tell a story, a metaphor, ask an open question...

To learn to change intensity specific emotion, you can apply the following method:

1. Completely realize this emotion, identify, classify, determine the sensations it causes in the body, what actions it motivates, determine its sources, remember the situations in which it arose, or be in such a situation to vividly experience it. This will require emotional experience.

2. I use scale from 1 to 100%, imagine what this emotion would be like at maximum intensity (100%). Imagine what sensations you would have in your body, what actions you would like to perform, how intensely you would like to act...

3. Define current level of this emotion at the moment on a scale.

4. Moving small steps(5-10%) up this scale, change the intensity of this emotion in the body. To do this, you can simply imagine how the value on the scale increases and its intensity increases. Or you can imagine/remember situations in which this emotion was more intense. It is important that changes are felt in the body, activity changes. If there are difficulties when moving to higher intensity, then you can reduce the step, for example, increase the intensity by 2-3%.

5. Having reached maximum intensity, you need to start decreasing the intensity to 0 using steps of 5-10%. To do this, you can also imagine moving down the scale or imagine/remember situations with less intensity of this emotion.

6. Then you need to reach 100% again, then again to 0%... And continue this process until it works fast change the intensity of an emotion with its actual expression in the body.

7. To consolidate the skill, you can go to certain intensity, for example, by 27%, 64%, 81%, 42%... The main thing is that there is a clear feeling of emotion in the body.

For mood management It’s enough to know their causes and take measures to eliminate them (to get rid of a bad mood) or create them (to make a good mood). Such reasons usually include:

- internal processes and state: sick or healthy, cheerful or drowsy...

For example, if you are in a bad mood, you can find out that you are sick. Then, to improve your mood, it will be enough to take medicine, go to the doctor... and get cured.

- environment : comfort or disorder, noise or silence, clean air or unpleasant odors, nice or annoying people...

For example, if there is chaos and discomfort at the workplace, then there may be a bad mood. Then you can tidy up, make it beautiful and clean.

- relationship: the mood of other people is transmitted to the person.

For example, if you meet a friend and have a pleasant conversation with him, your mood improves. And if you meet a person with an angry expression on his face, who is also rude out of nowhere, then your mood may worsen. Then you can simply stop contacting such a person and chat with someone who is pleasant.

- thoughts and images: By remembering or imagining situations, they arouse corresponding emotions. Therefore, to improve your mood, you can imagine or remember an incident that evoked positive emotions.

For example, remember funny incident or a happy moment in your life. Or imagine a trip in a beautiful car that you have long dreamed of. Or, for example, an athlete, thinking before a competition about possible injuries, defeat, etc., will be in a bad mood. Then you can think about victory, reward, etc. to improve your mood.

- desires and goals: reaching important goal the mood can be good, but if there are unresolved problems, it can worsen.

For example, to cheer you up, you can set yourself a goal that you really want to achieve. Or you can solve a long-standing problem that caused discomfort or prevented you from moving towards your desired goal.

Also a significant advantage of managing emotions is success in all areas of life. Indeed, in this case there is absolutely no harm during strong emotional “outbursts” and there is always energy to achieve any goal.

In any case, even if emotions are not used for development and self-realization, they are still necessary for ordinary life, to be in good mood, tone, be happy, experience joy even from little things and share your emotions with loved ones.

Develop your emotions and manage them, then your success, your happiness and your self-realization will be inevitable.

IN everyday life Between people, due to differences in temperaments, conflict situations often occur. This is due, first of all, to a person’s excessive emotionality and lack of self-control. emotions? How to “get the upper hand” over your own feelings and thoughts during a conflict? Psychology provides answers to these questions.

Why do you need self-control?

Restraint and self-control are something that many people lack. This is achieved over time, constantly training and improving skills. Self-control helps to achieve a lot, and the least of this list is inner peace of mind. How to learn to control your emotions and at the same time prevent intrapersonal conflict? Understand that this is necessary and gain agreement with your own “I”.

Control over emotions prevents the conflict situation from worsening and allows you to find someone with completely opposite personalities. To a greater extent, self-control is necessary to establish relationships with people, no matter business partners or relatives, children, lovers.

The influence of negative emotions on life

Breakdowns and scandals, in which negative energy is released, have a detrimental effect not only on the people around them, but also on the instigator himself conflict situations. How to learn to restrain your negative emotions? Try to avoid conflicts and not succumb to provocations from other people.

Negative emotions destroy harmonious relationships in the family and prevent normal development personality and career growth. After all, few people want to cooperate/communicate/live with a person who does not control himself and starts a large-scale scandal at every opportunity. For example, if a woman cannot control herself and constantly finds fault with her man, which leads to serious quarrels, then he will soon leave her.

In raising children, it is also important to restrain yourself and not give free rein to negative emotions. The child will feel every word said by the parent in the heat of anger, and will subsequently remember this moment for the rest of his life. Psychology helps to understand how to learn to restrain emotions and prevent their manifestation in communication with children and loved ones.

Negative emotions also have an impact on business and work activities great influence. The team always consists of people of different temperaments, so self-control plays a role here important role: negativity can spill out at any moment when a person is put under pressure and required to do overwhelming work. And instead of the usual dialogue where the parties can reach a consensus, a scandal develops. How to learn to control your emotions in the workplace? Do not react to employee provocations, try to start a casual conversation, agree with your superiors in everything, even if the assigned tasks are difficult to complete.

Suppression of emotions

Constantly restraining yourself within certain limits and preventing the release of negativity is not a panacea. Suppressing accumulates negativity, and therefore increases the risk of developing psychological diseases. Negativity must be periodically “thrown out” somewhere, but in such a way that the feelings of other people are not harmed. How to learn to restrain emotions, but without harm to your inner world? Go in for sports, because during training a person spends all his internal resources, and the negativity quickly goes away.

Wrestling, boxing, and hand-to-hand combat are suitable for releasing negative energy. It is important here that a person mentally wants to give vent to his emotions, then he will feel relief and he will not want to take it out on anyone. However, it is worth considering that everything should be in moderation, and overwork during training can provoke a new influx of negativity.

Two ways to control your emotions:

Do you dislike a person so much that you are ready to destroy him? Do this, but, of course, not in the literal sense of the word. At the moment when you feel uncomfortable communicating with him, mentally do whatever you want with this person.
Draw a person you hate and write down on a piece of paper next to the image the problems that appeared in your life thanks to him. Burn the sheet and mentally put an end to your relationship with this person.

Prevention

How to learn to restrain emotions? Psychology gives this answer to this question: To control your feelings and emotions, prevention is necessary, in other words - emotional hygiene. Like the human body, his soul also needs hygiene and disease prevention. To do this, you need to protect yourself from communicating with people who cause hostility, and also, if possible, avoid conflicts.

Prevention is the most gentle and the best way control over emotions. She doesn't demand additional training human and specialist intervention. Preventive measures allow for long time protect yourself from negativity and nervous breakdowns.

The main thing is that it helps you gain control over your emotions - over your own life. When a person is satisfied with everything in his home, work, relationships, and he understands that at any moment he can influence all this and adjust it to himself, then it is easier for him to restrain the manifestation of negative emotions. There are a number preventive rules that help you manage your own feelings and thoughts. How to learn to control your emotions and manage yourself? Follow simple rules.

Unfinished business and debts

Complete all planned tasks in a short time, do not leave the work unfinished - this can cause delays in terms of deadlines, causing negative emotions. Also, “tails” can be reproached, pointing out your incompetence.

In financial terms, try to avoid late payments and debts - this is exhausting and prevents you from achieving your goal. Understanding that you have not repaid a debt to someone causes negativity and helplessness in the face of current circumstances.

The absence of debts, both financial and other, allows you to fully spend your own energy resources and strength, directing them to the realization of desires. A sense of duty, on the contrary, is an obstacle to mastering self-control and achieving success. How to learn to restrain emotions and control yourself? Eliminate debts in a timely manner.

Cosiness

Create a comfortable experience for yourself workplace, equip your home to your own taste. Both at work and at home, with your family, you should feel comfortable - nothing should cause irritation or any other negative emotions.

Time planning

Try to make smart plans for the day, strive to ensure that you have a little more time and resources to complete your tasks than you need. This will avoid the negativity associated with a constant lack of time and worries about the lack of finances, energy and strength for work.

Communication and Workflow

Avoid contacts with unpleasant people who waste your personal time. Especially with individuals who are called “energy vampires” - they take up not only your time, but also your energy. If possible, try not to interact with overly temperamental people, since any incorrect remark directed in their direction can provoke a scandal. How to restrain your emotions in relationships with other people? Be polite, do not exceed your authority, and do not overreact to criticism.

If your job brings you nothing but negative emotions, then you should think about changing your job. Earning money to the detriment of your soul and feelings, sooner or later, will lead to a breakdown and disorder of mental balance.

Marking boundaries

Mentally create a list of things and actions that cause you negative emotions. Draw an invisible line, a line that no one, even the closest person, should cross. Create a set of rules that restrict people from communicating with you. Those who truly love, appreciate and respect you will accept such demands, and those who resist these attitudes should not be in your environment. To communicate with strangers, develop a special system that will avoid violating your boundaries and creating conflict situations.

Physical activity and self-reflection

Sports activities will bring not only physical health, but also mental balance. Spend 30 minutes to 1 hour a day on sports, and your body will quickly cope with negative emotions.

At the same time, analyze everything that happens to you during the day. Ask yourself questions about whether you acted correctly in a given situation, whether you communicated with the right people, whether you had enough time to complete the work. This will help not only to understand yourself, but also in the future to eradicate communication with unnecessary people who cause negativity. your own emotions, thoughts and goals allows you to fully develop self-control.

Positive emotions and prioritization

Develop the ability to switch from negative emotions to positive ones, try to see in any situation positive aspects. emotions in relationships with family and strangers? Be more positive, and this will help you overcome your own temper.

The right goal is a great help in achieving self-control. When you are on the verge of a surge of negative emotions, imagine that as soon as you stop being nervous and paying attention to provocations, your dreams will begin to come true. You should choose only realistic, achievable goals.

Environment

Take a close look at the people around you. Is there any benefit from communicating with them? Do they bring you happiness, warmth and kindness, do they make you happy? If not, then the answer is obvious; you urgently need to change and switch to individuals who carry positive emotions. Of course, it’s impossible to do this in the workplace, but at least limit yourself from communicating with such people outside the work space.

In addition to changing your environment, expanding your social circle will help you develop self-control. This will give you new opportunities, knowledge and a positive charge for a long time.

From a psychological point of view emotional person is regarded by others as unreliable, unstable, unhappy. This behavior is interpreted for various reasons, but such an image is unlikely to have a positive impact on personal development in society. Therefore, it is extremely important to understand how to manage emotions and achieve goals, control your emotional impulses and cool down your ardor. This will help not only avoid conflicts, problems or frustrations, but also earn trust/respect among friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.

Signs of emotionality

Impulsiveness or indecisiveness in decisions and actions
Pathological hyperactivity and fear of showing weakness
Doubt in all aspects of life
Mood instability and constant aggression towards others
Touchiness or constant rudeness
and self-isolation
or domination and submission of others
Vengeance and the desire to punish the offender at any cost
Severe sexual promiscuity and craving for alcohol or drugs

Causes of emotionality

Improper upbringing or excessive strictness towards a child
Psychological atmosphere (energy) in the family
Psychological trauma and fear
Subconscious fears
Depression and stress
Feeling dissatisfied
Disbelief in own strength(uncertainty)
Low self-esteem
Split personality
Taking medications

Delving into the essence of the problem, it becomes clear that the main causes of psychological emotionality are illiterate (negligent) and psychological trauma received in different ages. They are the ones who cultivate the future worldview in the child and create a new one. If a child is emotionally unstable, this is immediately obvious: he stops obeying, is constantly capricious, becomes aggressive and disrespectful towards others. Carrying a heavy psychological burden, a person begins to feel fear, guilt, internal dissatisfaction leading to constant internal conflicts, scandals, strong emotionality, anger and aggression.

How to get rid of emotionality

As in any business, desire is important for internal changes. It is not realistic to force a person to follow a certain model of behavior, but it is quite possible to explain, convince and teach. Hyperemotionality in most cases develops already in childhood, which means the root of the problem should be looked for here. Digging deeper, you notice an important trend: people transfer adult life all the negativity that was poured on them in early age keeping it deep in the subconscious. First you need to recognize the problem itself and begin to change, but this requires complete self-awareness. You need to accept the problem and change your attitude towards it, focusing on the most important things.

If the awareness of change has come, you need to determine the most appropriate algorithm of actions in stressful situation. Regardless of your psychotype, teach yourself to leave time for reflection. People make mistakes, a priori. Hasty conclusions have the greatest probability of failure, because during stress, active biochemical processes in the body dull the functioning of the brain, and the illogicality of decisions makes it difficult to concentrate on the main thing. Here is the first answer to the question how to manage your emotions— develop the useful habit of first thinking, and only then saying, doing or deciding.

Very important and effective method will be able to determine the root cause of emotionality by removing it and change your attitude towards the problem itself by removing it nervous tension. It is impossible to remove the reasons described above on your own, since a person cannot control his subconscious and restrain fear. This is serious psychological work that only a professional psychologist can do, so psychological assistance is the most effective and fastest of all.

There are various techniques that help to cope with emotional stress in a certain situation and make the right decision. The most effective of them:

Count to 10 in your head and mentally calm down. The time can be adjusted based on the situation. The method is quite effective.
Think about whether it will be important in a week, a month, a year. Most “important” problems will not be remembered after a couple of days.
Do not give a big role to unimportant things. There is no need to exaggerate and invent unnecessary things.
Breathing technique: “deep inhale, deep exhale.” This method slows down the flow of biochemical processes, thus relieving general tension and partially helping to get out of a crisis situation.
Look at the situation from the “other side”. Reasoning logically, seeing the conflict from the outside without making sudden conclusions or decisions.
Learn to manage your emotions (feelings of anger, aggression, nervousness) by restraining yourself.
Meditations. Practice will help you feel inner harmony, relax and calm down.
Rethinking results and focusing on more important things.
Positive attitude and the fight against bad (negative) mood.
As a last resort, in order to relieve emotional stress, it is recommended to transfer aggression to inanimate objects: a punching bag, a pillow or rough paper, without expressing anger on living objects.

To claim that one method or another will suit everyone without exception is stupid. All these techniques are universal and each individual determines individually how to learn to manage your emotions, finding your own “panacea”.

In communication, it is important not only to cope with thoughts, but also to learn a way to block external non-verbal signals, that is, the visual manifestation of experiences. Mainly you need to pay attention to the lips and eyes. They are the first to let you down: parted lips immediately indicate surprise, and clenched teeth indicate anger. So that the interlocutor does not notice pronounced reactions, the mouth should be relaxed, and the corners should be kept as natural as possible, without bending up or down.

As for the eyes, reading them is relatively more difficult, but still possible. Looking into the eyes can provoke mental outbursts even more, so it is better to avert your eyes for a while. Only by concentrating and calming down can you restore visual contact. This will return the feeling of a calm presence to the interlocutor and show your self-confidence. But here it is important not to miss the fine line and not to overdo it - hiding your eyes for too long can be regarded as fear or.

The body, unfortunately, is also capable of signaling internal anxiety. Learn to avoid the following:

hyperactive gestures;
frequent changes in body position;
unjustified sudden movements;
choppy, incoherent speech;
kneading an object in your hands for a long time.

Concentration on external manifestations diverts attention from the original stimulus, directs the force to coping with the physical appearance, and not to others.

Having become familiar with the how to manage emotions and feelings, you can safely start practicing. Having set the goal of normalization emotional background, the main thing is to clearly focus on the result. Awareness of the problem is half the success. Then everything depends on you and your efforts.